The Email Game

So, a lot of people think they run business' on our service. Most do, but others are just running an Ebay account or some such nonsense. In most of those cases I cringe and then read them the terms of service. Residential service + running a business is a violation of the terms of service, and in fact can lead to your net being shut down completely (not even by our choice, this is FCC regulations about separation of entertainment and utility, true facts!)

The people who run a "business" on a residential line are also the ones that immediately ask for credit for any malfunction, this normally has something to do with their email and access therein, here's a gem from a week ago.

Me: Thank you for holding for ISP support. My name is Jacapo, how can I help you today?
Cx: Well, It seems I've forgotten my email address password.
Me: Ok, normally we don't handle email up at this level, but for a password I think we can do a reset for you.
Cx: Oh... you can't just see what it is and give it to me?
Me: No ma'am, thats a violation of the privacy agreement we entered with you when you signed up for service.
Cx: Oh... I guess reset it then.
Me: Certainly, let me just verify your account *she provides the information I need* OK, and thats all in order, lets get you a new password.... and done. Your new password is 12345678
Cx: Ok, let me just try that out.... Alright that works. Now about credit for my downtime.
Me: I'm sorry what?
Cx: I want credit for the time I wasn't able to access my email.
Me: Well ma'am, email is a free service, you don't actually pay for it, we give it to you so no, I can't credit you for that.
Cx: Well I'm running a business and that last hour I couldn't get my email is money lost! I want $1,000 credit!
Me: No, YOU FORGOT your password first of all, second of all, it is a free service. We do not credit customer accounts for free service. That would quite literally be us paying you to utilize a free service we offer.
Cx: But my business loosed money every time I can't get into my email. What do you suggest I do to seek restitution for this!
Me: I suggest two things, first of all, write your email password down somewhere for the next time you invariably forget what it is, and second of all, I highly suggest you switch your account to a business class account if you are using it for business purposes, as that is a violation of the terms of service you agreed to for your RES-I-DENTIAL service and, honestly, can result in the complete loss of all your Internet and television services.
Cx: Well I'm not paying more for a business account! and I never agreed to any terms of service like that!
Me: Then I suggest you memorize that password and that you sit down and do some reading on that little pink paper we gave you before the tech left.
Cx: I'm going to go to the news and blow you in for unfair treatment.
Me: You go ahead and do that, all of our calls are recorded, we'll be more then happy to let them have a listen where you are demanding money for a COURTESY service and how YOU caused YOUR problem by forgetting YOUR password. Was there anything else I can help you with today?
Cx: *screams and hangs up the phone*

Seriously? $1,000 for you forgetting your email password? I honestly can't believe that the thought to ask that ever crossed her mind, let alone that she raved and went on about it.
Quite frankly, if you think you should get $1,000 dollars for not being able to get your email because you forgot your password, well, all I can say is get over yourself! You are NOT that important and honestly from the sounds of it the world would be a better place without you!

My computer's slow!

Been a while, several weeks in fact, sorry about that. but heres a good new one for you

this call JUST came in about 10 minutes ago

Me: Thank you for calling ISP technical support. My name is jacapo, how can I help you today?

cx: well since you installed your internet, I don't know what you all did, but my computer is just slow, everything errors or times out.

me: Well we don't install any software on your computer so I doubt we did anything to the computer sir.

cx: Well EVERYTHING loads slow on the computer now!

me: That sounds like a completely unrelated and unfortunate coincidence sir.

cx: Well I want credit! I have a 29.95 bill here and I shouldn't have to pay it since you fucked up my computer

me: Sir we did nothing to your computer, it's like going to the butcher, ordering a steak, and then your car won't start, so you go and blame the butcher. Two completely unrelated events.

cx: thanks for nothing! *hangs up*

Don't play the it's slow game with us, we've been at this a while, and were senior support, a cable modem will not in fact slow down everyaspect of your computer. =P

It's Not What You Think You Know

There's a sense of inertia in the tech industry that becomes more and more concrete as you rise in the levels of IT hierarchy.  The more technical the person you're talking to, the less flexible they are to change - even if it's changing something to the CORRECT setup.  The old adage of "it's always worked for me before; it should work for me now" should NEVER apply to the technical field, considering the changes that occur daily to every area of support.

This applies doubly for those who are calling in for support on an issue - and even moreso for support on a program or service provided by an entirely different company.  No matter how you might have had a service jury-rigged in the past, there's no way to tell whether those settings will still hold.

And most importantly: when it's determined that you're doing something the wrong way, stop asking how to get it to keep working the wrong way!

Me: Thank you for calling [Company Name]; my name is FerroMancer.  May I ask who I'm speaking with?

Cx: This is Cx with [Another Company].

Me: How can I help you, sir?

Cx: We moved our equipment - clients and servers - to another location, and now we're having trouble connecting through your program.

Not a problem, the program needs to be reconfigured to work on the new location.  Of course, the best way to do this is...

Me: If you uninstall and reinstall the client application from the install point on the server, you'll create the proper pathing to get the client working...

Cx: It was working before, and it's not working now - we should be able to change the settings to get it to work.

Strike 1 - When a tech gives you advice on the program he supports, take it.  

Strike 2 - Don't try to get a failing program to start working again if you can replace it with a working program.

Strike 3 - It was working before, and you changed everything.  What worked before won't necessarily work now.  

Me: OK, what do you have for the physical database name?

Cx: It's showing the server route - "\\DD\COMPSERV\COMPSYS.DB"

Me: OK, that's part of the problem; the program connects to the engine on the server first, so the path that's indicated should be the path as if you were already connected to the server.  What drive is the COMPSERV folder located on on the server?

Cx: I have it mapped to "S".  It's always been mapped there.

Me: No; what drive is it on on the server?

Cx: But I'm on the client.

Me: Right, but you're connecting to the engine before you ask about the path.  What drive on the server?

Cx: Let me check...it's on the F drive.

Me: OK, then you want the path to be: "F:\COMPSERV\COMPSYS.DB"

Cx: It's always worked before, with the other path.

Me: It shouldn't have.  It needs the path in relation to the server itself.  Change the path to "F:\COMPSERV\COMPSYS.DB".

Cx: OK....it's not working.

Me: Did it change the path?

Cx: Yeah, now it's showing "DD\F:\COMPSERV\COMPSYS.DB".

Me: Ah...the system does that sometimes.  Windows takes whatever path it has set for a drive and applies it across the board.  We definitely don't want that, it's in the wrong format anyway.  We need to set it to "F:\COMPSERV\COMPSYS.DB"

Cx: But it was working before.

Me: With the way our program works, this is the way it should be set.

Cx: Why was it working with the other info before?

OK, now this is starting to piss me off.  How am I supposed to know how you managed to MacGuyver your system into working in a way it's not supposed to?  I have no idea.  But I'm telling you; THIS is how it should work, THIS is how you should connect, THIS is the protocol you should be using - TAKE the information and USE it!

Me: It might have had something to do with the network setup or the mapped drives, I'm not sure.  These are the correct settings, though.  Now, are the client and the server on the same subnet?

Cx: They're on a different domain.

Me: From you?  OK, but are they on the same subnet?

Cx: They're on a different domain.

Me: What do you mean?

Cx: I'm remoting in to them.

Me: Oh, so you're not in front of them right now.

Cx: Right.

OK, not a big thing, remote connections are a good way for admins to troubleshoot these days.  However...

Cx: Yeah; I have to remote connect to the client computer, and then remote to the server FROM the client I've remoted to.

THAT is just messed up.  Not only are you going to have a horribly slow remote session (and he was), you've got it set up so that your user can get direct server access.

Me: OK, on the server, go to Start, then Programs, then Comp Solutions, then Administration.

Cx: It's not there.

Me: ...are you sure you're not looking on the client workstation's desktop?

Cx: Nope, I'm on the server.

Congratulations.  You seem to have moved your servers around in such a way that you have entirely lost your administrative tools and server components, even though the base files and folders are still there.  You lose at Tech.

This conversation doesn't even get into the 'discussion' that we had about the proper protocol settings, the IP parameters, client access, or any of the other half-dozen problems that we experienced that could have been resolved by 1) listening to me and just trying to reinstall the app from the server and 2) forgetting how he HAD it working and focusing on how it SHOULD work.  Granted, with the loss of server components, he would have had a deeper problem anyway, but we would have found that out after 5 minutes instead of 20.

The moral of the story is: when you call in for support, you're admitting you don't know everything.  Listen to the person that you're getting help from.

More coworker hijinks.

So, over the last year, I've gotten really used to some of our Second level agents dumping calls. They ignore the people who have to approve their tickets and cold transfer (just dump the customer to the line) instead of warm transferring (talking to whoever you are transferring too before initiating the final transfer) Some have gotten slick and don't give customer their tracking number (which we can look up in third level :P). This often leads to a bewildered customer scratching their head, and one of us being pretty cheesed off that we basically have to dig for the ticket. A good chunk of the time the ticket contains little to no information, many times with a single sentence like "customer is havening trouble wih teh wireless we gave them". We look upon these as works of literary genius! (here's a bucket for the sarcasm). Sometimes even when we get a warm transfer, it's for a bogus reason. We tell the second level agent that it's not our department, and they sometimes like to sit and argue it with us. Here's one from today.

Me: Thank you for holding for ISP support. My name is Jacapo, how may I help you today?
T2A: Hey this is T2A from tier 2, I have a customer who can't set up sub users on their email account.
Me: Ok... Normally that's handled by you guys. Whats the problem? Are they getting a server error? is it not allowing them into the master account?
T2A: The customer just doesn't have their master account password and they need help setting up the sub accounts.
Me: Right. (as nicely as I can) That's your job, you need to try to reset the password through the password tool or walk the customer through it on the self help.
T2A: Tried that customer doesn't remember their security question answer.
Me: *pulls up tracker, sees there is no security question set* Right. I'm showing that they haven't set up a security question yet. You need to finish troubleshooting with the customer.
T2A: Well lead tech says it goes to you.
Me: No. It doesn't. All email trouble is handled by you, unless there is a server error.
T2A: But lead tech says it goes to you.
Me: Nope, sure doesn't. I am not taking the call, I cannot assist the customer. Please finish your troubleshooting.
T2A: Our support flow says it goes to you!
Me: Really? Cause I have access to your support flow, and no, it doesn't. Take the call back and finish your troubleshooting. Please.
T2A: Maybe you don't understand what your job is. This goes to you!
Me: Wait. What? What did you say? I know pretty darn well what my job is. I helped create and define my current job with the 12 other guys sitting around me. I did your job when it was first brought here. So I do know my job. Quite well in fact. That's why I get to sit in the big boy chair. Now I'm not going to make a huge deal out of this, but you need to take the call back, and finish your troubleshooting.
T2A: But lead tech says it goes to you! It has to go to you! I can't un send the ticket.
Me: No, but I can kick the ticket back to you, and who was the lead tech that told you this? I have them all on aim. I'll ask them right now.
T2A: umm... *silence*
Me: Look. I don't expect you to know everything, but you need to take this call back, finish with the customer, and stop trying to pin the email call on another department.
T2A: Thanks for nothing!!! *hangs up*.

I kick the ticket back down to him, and I decide I'll check on it in another 15 minutes, make sure he closed it and want not. I come back and check on the ticket 15 minutes later, the ticket had been assigned to First level support. So, I kick the ticket back to him, and precede to inform his supervisor. You can call me an ass but I hate dealing with agents like that.

Call avoidance is the number one factor in dissatisfied customer (I only care about the people who really need the support though. ;P) Failure to understand your job is a bad thing. And honestly. If I'm telling you I'm not taking your transfer. Ask why. If you don't agree with what I'm saying. You have a supervisor. He'll push it up here if it needs to. Otherwise, just learn what is and isn't your job. If you don't know. Find someone and ask. But seriously. Why argue? I'm not changing my mind, it sets an unrealistic expectation for the customers and honestly, if I take the call, I'm just telling you its OK to not do your job.

This is just a quick example. More detailed accounts will follow.

Been a bit, but I'm back

Been busy the last few weeks, so haven't really had time to update. But I'm back, you may all stop weeping ;) 

So, We've talked about a lot of types of calls, I personally think that the bad ones from the coworkers are a little more aggravating then the customers. 

Here's a little background. A lot of our modems have a standby mode. This is usually initiated by the simple pressing of a button, normally clearly labeled standby. Currently, we offer three modems that are capable of entering this mode. Now, standby mode means that the modem, for lack of a better explanation, "locks" the modem. No traffic out and no traffic in. People use this mode when they are leaving for trips and vacations and want a little extra protection to keep their network secure while no one is using it. Sometimes parents even use it to kill the internet to keep their kids offline when they don't want them to be (granted this only works when the modem is say, in the parents office behind a locked door where the kids can't get to it =P ). Now, we have three tiers of troubleshooting. Tier 1, Tier 2, Tier 3. 

Tier 1: Billing and rates, as well as very very basic internet troubleshooting. They are required to reboot modems and check to make sure the modem has a connection to our network and they also check for outages when applicable. If the modem is online and the customer can't surf the net, they are to transfer the customer to Tier 2. 

Tier 2: Pure troubleshooting of pc's, email, and all other products provided by our company. They reboot modems, routers and computers, and when applicable bypass routers to restore connectivity. They also know to check for standby on all modems where standby is an option. If the router is provided by our company, or if the problem likely exists on our network with the customer getting online, they pass the customer up to Tier 3. 

Tier 3: This is where I work. We handle all field tech calls, all business class calls, and generally field questions from all departments and fix anything given to us. We are the guys who get involved when no one else can fix it. We also deal with bad transfers from other departments. Bad transfers are caused by multiple factors. Most common is just lack of troubleshooting, or a lack of following the support guidelines at the other tiers. 

Now we do have a new group, called overflow. These are Tier 2 agents, given billing access, to help Tier 1 when Tier 1 has a service queue. We really do try to keep hold times at a minimum for our customers. 

Here's one I got from one of our overflow agents. 

Me: Thank you for holding for ISP support, my name is Jacapo, how can I help you today?

Tier 2 agent: Hey Jacapo, this is T2A from the overflow group, I have a customer who can't get online with our wireless, hardwired or wireless, wondering if you can take a look at it. 

Me: Sure, let me just pull up the ticket, what's the ticket number?

T2A: *provides me with the ticket number*

Me: *pulls it up, sees it's one of our modems that has a standby button. Time has taught me to ask if they have checked, even if I know the agent and know they are good at it. Hell once in a great while I even forget to check. No harm no foul. * Ok T2A, I see they have a modem with the standby mode on it, have you checked for standby on the modem?

T2A: Yeap, sure did. 

Me: *realizing that each one has a different light pattern* Are you sure the ONLINE light is lit and solid on the modem?

T2A: Absolutely, it's definately not in standby. 

Me: Ok then, transfer the customer through I'll take care of it. 

T2A: Thanks. Coming through in 3, 2, 1 *transfer*

Me: Thank you for holding. My name is Jacapo, I'll be giving you a hand from here on out. I understand neither of your computers is able to get online. Is that correct?

Cx: Yeap, neither can get online. 

Me: When did it start?

Cx: About three days ago. 

Me: Did the previous agent have you check the lights on the front of the modem?

Cx: Ummm... no, I can check now if you want though. 

Me: That would be much appreciated. Can you check to make sure that the ONLINE light is lit on the front of your modem?

Cx: Sure, let me just go to the other room *footsteps on hardwood floor while the customer moves between rooms* Ok. I'm here, and lets see... Nope online light is not lit. 

Me: Ok then easy fix. Push the button on the front of the modem, it should be on the right hand side, just press it once, the online light should come back lit up and solid. 

Cx: * I hear the click of the button* Ok. The lights back on now, what do I do next?

Me: You just go online sir, go ahead and give it a shot while I'm on the phone, both computers. 

Cx: Alright. *moves to the other room again, pulls up Internet Explorer on both computers* Hot damn! You mean it was that simple?

Me: Yeah, happens all the time kids and pets seem to love that button,  you can tape a bottle cap over it to keep it from being pressed accidentally if you want, but if you can't get online, just check to see if that light is on. If its not, just press the button. If the lights on and you can't get online, you can give us a call. 

Cx: Awesome! Why didn't the other guy do that? I spent an hour on the phone with him. 

Me: No clue sir, but I'll make sure he knows to check next time. Anything else I can help you with?

Cx: Nope, Thanks, you have yourself a great night.

*call ends*

So, I don't mind if the person misses it and transfers, no bid deal. but when I ask specifically if you've checked, its a courtesy. You need to, if you don't and your call is monitored, you fail the call, that loses you your bonus, and knocks your internal ranking down for shifts and such. If I ask you if you checked and you say no, and go back to the call, you won't fail it. But why did he feel the need to lie to me about it? Did he lie to me about it? I've had tons of transfers from this agent, I'd say 50% of them are bad, so I'm guessing he's lying. I don't know. But I did submit a note to his supervisor so he can be coached on it. It's just aggravating. I know they have metrics to meet and such. But I started as a Tier 1, back when they had to do more then they do now, and had the SAME metrics for call time and such. I worked Tier 2 and did all the troubleshooting and dealt with all the snotty customers with the "you have to be nice to them grin" I was able to meet metrics. So why dump a call right? dunno, but it pisses me off when my coworkers do it. *shrug*

Good morning!

      In the words of Warren Ellis, “good morning filthy humans.” It’s morning somewhere, deal with it. You’re wondering who I, aren’t you? Who is the person, this McKrout that is posting here? I’m here for the same reason that Jacapo is, to entertain the masses with stories of terror and horror. See, I also work in tech support for a mjaor ISP, at least I did do tech support. Now I work for “The Man” as certain people would lead you to believe, but the hell with them. I mention that I now work for “The Man” because the call I’m going tell you about is about will make you scream irony. Or lies, irony or lies, it’s your call.

Me: Thank you for calling my ISP, my name is McKrout. What can I do for you today?
Caller: My son says the internet doesn’t work, can you help with that?
Me: Of course I can ma’am. Can you be a bit more specific though?
Caller: My son says he can’t share files anymore. Here, talk to him about it. He’ll explain it better. (I’m now thinking that Jr. here can’t download his music anymore and this will be a nice quick call where I explain that we can shut him down.)
Caller: This is Jr. and I can’t share my files anymore.
Me: Well, Sir, depending on what yo... (Cut off)
Caller: You guys are blocking the ports and not letting me share anymore, unblock them.
Me: We don’t block those ports sir and if we did, we can’t unblock them. (Try explaining our policy on file sharing again,) As I was trying to explain befo... (Cut off again.)
Caller: Let me explain this for you. Up until two days ago, I was able to download and upload anything I wanted to. Then I started to share documents on the government and how they are controlled by the shape shifting lizard people... (he drones on for a minute or two, but I don’t hear a thing. No longer is this call easy, I’m dealing with a tinfoil hatist here and he’s gone.)
Me: (Collecting my thoughts and moving my jaw back to the correct location,) You’re trying to share what?
Caller: The government had you shut me down so I couldn’t share my information on the shape shifting lizard people. You need to open up the ports again so I can continue to share. The people need to know the truth. They need to know that humans aren’t in control anymore. TURN MY INTERNET BACK ON!
Me: Well, (still confused and trying not to lose my shit on this call,) I have to admit that I don’t have the foggiest idea as to what you’re talking about. I can tell you that we didn’t shut you down. I’m looking at your connection here and it looks great. I’d suggest reinstalling the program that you’re using and see if that works, but we don’t support file sharing software and I don’t know anything about them. Was there anything else I can do for you today sir?
Caller: You haven’t helped me. You work for them, don’t you? You know they’re everywhere, right? If you don’t work for them, you should help me out to spread in the information. People need to know.
Me: (Staring blankly at my cube-mates, scared for my life. This kid is nuts. He can’t be any older than maybe 13 or 14 years old and he’s nuts. We’re screwed.)
Caller: Blah blah blah, illuminati, blah blah blah, the signs are everywhere, etc...
Me: Sir, I don’t mean to interrupt you (total lie, I want to kill this kid and save us all from this lunatic,) but there is really nothing I can do for you. Did you have any other questions today?
Caller: ...No
Me: In that case, my name is McKrout. Thank you for calling my ISP and have a good day.

     Are your eyes bleeding yet? No? Damn! So, after taking that call five years ago, it made me look at humanity a bit differently. We’re doomed, completely and totally doomed. Mind you, it’s expected that you’ll get that type of call working for an ISP, but not from someone that age. That kid probably has a job someplace or has been locked up, I hope for the sake of us all he’s locked up.

The Modem, The Modem, The Modem's on Fire!

So, every once in a while we get calls from those special enough to qualify for Darwin awards (use Google and search Darwin awards if you must, trust me its worth it, I'll wait, go ahead )

Anyways, a while back I got a call from a customer in California, Beverly Hills. Can we say stereo type? Good, I knew you could! This woman had that valley girl accent and the "apparent" intelligence that mayonnaise could beat. Here's the calls.

Me: Thank you for calling ISP support, my name is Jacapo, how can I help you today?
Cx: Well, My modem stopped working and I need a new one.
Me: Ok, well I can help you with that. Let me just pull up your account here.
*I pull up the account and there's a flag on the account. Looks like this persons gone through 8 modems in a month, a fantastic feat by any means.* Umm.....I see you've gone through a rather large amount of modems from us recently. What's going on with them?
Cx: I don't really know, but after a while they get really really warm and then stop working.
*I'm thinking outlet problem, over heating issues aren't too uncommon when hooked into a faulty outlet*
Me: Ok, are they being plugged into the same power outlet or power strip every time you replace it? Are you putting them in a well ventilated area?
Cx: No, I use different plugs and replaced the power strip, and after the first one caught on fire, I made sure they've had plenty of room.
Me: Wait... The first one caught on fire?!?!?!?!?
Cx: Yeah, burst right into flames, thankfully nothing was damaged aside from the modem cause I was right here.
Me: Wow, I think that's the first I've heard of that happening. But you said every modem after that just gets warm and dies right? It sounds like its power related. Are you sure you are using new outlets and such?
Cx: Yeap! Different outlets every time.
Me: I'll be honest I'm at a loss. Do you do anything special with your modems?
Cx: Not that I can think of..Oh wait. Yeah, When I get them, they are usually pretty ugly looking to I paint them pink so they can be pretty and match my computer!
Me: You paint your modems... pink?
Cx: Yeap sure do!
Me: Ok.... That's not such a great idea. What type of paint are you using on them?
Cx: I don't know let me look... Sherwin Williams, I got it from the hardware store.
Me: So.. you are using house paint on the modems??? Are you just coating them completely? Are you leaving the slits on the side cleared?
Cx: Oh..... Should I have?
Me: Um... painting the modems with house paint is bad, that paint is made to stand up to the outside elements and is very very heavy. Covering the vents keeps all the heat in further cause it doesn't allow air to flow through it so it can't cool itself down. You are killing your modems.
Cx: Oh... Well if they just sent me a pink modem like I asked, then this wouldn't have been a problem!
Me: Modems don't come in pink. White, Grey , Black, and Blue. No pink
Cx: Fine! Then I want to cancel my services and I'll find someone who will give me a pink modem!
Me: Here, let me help you process your cancellation of service.
Cx: Wait... You aren't going to try to save me as a customer?
Me: Ma'am, what we save in the cost in modems will far outweigh whatever you were going to spend on our services.
Cx: Why I never!
Me: Never what? Think about your actions? Have a nice day and your services have been cancelled as per your request.

The customer hung up, and we all had a good laugh at the flaming modems. Good times. Good times.

I wonder sometimes if its the computer that blue screens....

All too often, those of us in a call center environment get calls from customers who insist we fix a problem that isn't our problem. This happens more often then not to those of us who work for companies that do not charge for technical support. We get all manners of calls on some very random, none service related issues. Here's a couple of my favorites.

Me: Thank you for calling HSI support, My name is jacapo, how may I help you today?
Cx: Yeah, I can't get online, it's stuck at this one screen.
Me: Let me just pull up your account and I'll be happy to help.

*I get the information I need and pull the customers account up, the modem is online and responsive, I'm thinking this should be a quick easy call*

Me: Well, I have your information up, looks like the modem is in good health. You said its stuck at one screen? Can you please describe the screen your computer is stuck on? Is it a web page? Is it a blank white page with the internet icons on top?
Cx: It's a blue one with white lettering.
Me: * I instantly recognize it as the blue screen of death* Ok... What does the white lettering say?
Cx: Windows has encountered a problem and needs to close.
Me: That would mean that your computer has crashed. Windows does not appear to be working correctly.
Cx: Right, Fix it then.
Me: I can't its not our problem, if you have a problem with windows you have to call Microsoft or you have to call your computer manufacturer.
Cx: Yeah, but they want me to pay them, you guys are free, so... you fix it!
Me: I think not *I hang up and note the account so when the person calls back in they are instantly referred to vendor. I check back and see the person called back in 4 times that day, each time referred to vendor. ^_^*

Another classic is the following

Me: Thank you for calling HSI support my name is jacapo, how can I help you today?
Cx: Yeah, I can't get online wireless.
Me: I can take a look at that, let me just snag your account here.
*I pull up the account and see that the customer does NOT have home networking with us, I then pull up the modem diagnostics and see its a motorola modem (ours) and a linksys router (not ours)* Well, I show you don't actually have wireless from us, looks like you are using a linksys router. You'd probably want to talk to them if you are having trouble with the wireless.
Cx: No, this is from you, you all installed it and you all gave it to me.
Me: No. We didn't. We don't supply linksys routers to our customers. While our tech may have set it up as a courtesy, that does not obligate us to support it. If you are unable to get online, I can offer to help you bypass your router and you can go directly connected to the modem.
Cx: But I want to be online wireless.
Me: Then you need to contact linksys.
Cx: No, I want you to fix it.
Me: Well... That is not going to happen. I can only legally support our devices. If I begin to troubleshoot another companies equipment while my company doesn't have a contract with them, we can be fined quite a large sum of money. Unless you wish to pay for said fine should one occur, you will want to contact linksys, and ask them why your wireless is broken.
Cx: . . . . . .
Me: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Cx: Yeah you can fix my wireless.
Me: I don't know if I can express this in any manner simpler then I already have but I will try. Linksys, Not us. Modem, motorola, Us. I support the motorola. The linksys must be fixed by linksys.
Cx . . . . . .
Me: Would you like linksys' number?
* I then hear the sweet sweet sounds of a dial tone*

Honestly, when you are calling your Internet company, please please please don't expect me to go and do anything other then fix our shit, and help you with your computer. It's like calling your mechanic and asking him to paint your family portrait, just. plain. wrong. We don't appreciate it, and the other customers who have to wait to talk to us with real problems don't appreciate it. If your computer tells you to call / contact a specific company. Call said company. If it is painfully obvious it's one companies problem call that company. Makes every one's life easier. If you do call, and someone tells you with certainty that it's not their problem and they can back it up with solid evidence, chances are they are right and you should probably believe them and move along.

Children say the darndest things.

Children are often both the source of great relief or great aggravation when it comes to us in tech support here. Alot of the time the kids we get on the phone are young but know there way around the computer so you can say things like "can you dump the tcp/ip" and they will respond with "sure, just a sec" and then do it. Others are too young to even honestly be on the phone and just want to play their dora game, or are the bratty teenagers who either A.) want to just play their damn video game and don't care about anything else or B.) can't log into myspace / facebook / email / whateverelseitistheydo and want to bitch about it, in both cases refusing to actually troubleshoot.

Another useful term for today's topic is wardriving.

Wardriving is the act of searching for Wi-Fi wireless networks by a person in a moving vehicle (or on foot) using a Wi-Fi-equipped computer, such as a laptop or a PDA. It is similar to using a radio scanner, or to the amateur radio practice of DXing. Wardriving was named after the term wardialing from the 1983 film WarGames, which involved searching for computer systems with software that dialed numbers sequentially to see which ones were connected to a fax machine or computer

Enter our caller from California.

me: Thank you for calling HSI support, my name is jacapo. How can I help you today?
cx: Yeah I'm getting your red screen telling me to call in with my modem mac something or other.
me: Certainly. Can I have the phone number on the account with the area code first?
*gives me the phone number and nothing comes up*
me: Ok, nothing seems to be pulling up an account how about the modem number off the screen?
*gives me the mac address, nothing pulls up*
me: Ok nothing their either, how about the account number? Do you have that handy?
cx: I don't have an account.
me: Ok, well then if you are getting that screen you must have one of our modems that we just didn't build an account for yet.
cx: No, we don't have service with you, the screen just told me to call you
me: *o.O?* Ok... if you don't have service or don't want service with us there is nothing much I can do for you.
cx: Yeah you can fix this so I can get online again!.
me: If you do not have an account with us I can't do anything to help.
cx: Yeah well its our neighbors modem he has your HSI so fix it so I can play my damn game!
me: So... you are piggybacking off of your neighbors connection... Does he know about it?
cx: No, but my father says its alright.
me: Are you familiar with the term wardriving?
cx: What?
me: Wardriving. It's a term used for people who use other peoples connections, often times hacking into them, or otherwise using them without the permission of the person who owns it, or drive around looking for open networks without security to join. It's not a good thing. If your neighbor doesn't know about it, and hasn't given you permission, you are stealing your neighbors wireless connection.
cx: Well my dad says we can so I don't give a shit what you say
me: That's fine kid, but I will not be helping you, as a matter of fact, since I have your neighbors mac address here courtesy of you, I'm going to track them down, call them, help them get back online and lock your sorry little ass out so you can't use theirs anymore, after I tell them you've been leeching off their Internet.
cx: Yeah well I'll tell my father and we'll see what he has to say about this!
me: Go right ahead kid, you're not a customer of ours, we wont help you, and if he bitches about not being able to steal his neighbor's wireless, we'll see what he says after we talk to him. Now, if you don't mind, I have a phone call to make.

I hang up on the kid, track down who owns the modem (calling our billing department works wonders sometimes) call the guy, get him back online and lock the router. I inform the guy what happened and he thinks its hilarious and thanks me profusely. Apparently we had shut him down for virus / spam / etc. and he couldn't find anything wrong with his system and actually had just had it wiped clean, and this solves the mystery of why we keep shutting him down.

Apparently the kids dad did call in later that night, he got one of my team mates who had heard my earlier call. I only heard one thing he said during the conversation and it was awesome.
"Sir stealing the Internet from someone is no different then stealing a car, money, or a person's items. When you get caught, you are done, end of story, do not pass go do not collect $200. If you want to speak with our legal department in regards to this, I'll be more then happy to transfer you."

Some people just don't want to take no for an answer, or listen to logic / reason. Go figure.

Has Florida Sunk Into The Sea Yet?

For all the shit our field technicians get into with us, a lot of them have it really rough. I've spoken to people in just my area who work for our company as field techs, and they have been shot, stabbed, fought with dogs having been sent after them, people pushing them off ladders and all other sorts of nastiness. My first team I made friends with an ex field tech that came into the center just to get off the streets. What colored his decision was that he had been stuck on a pole behind someones house for 8 hours. He got up on the pole, the guy let his three rottweilers out, and my friend dropped his walkies. The dogs kept circling the bottom of the pole and he was stuck there for 8 hours until his supervisor came to find out where he was. After another short wait for animal control and the police, he came down, went home, and transfered to the call center. To put if further into perspective, the tech supervisor that did my cable install when I first started with the company shared stories about how many times he had been shot or stabbed while doing installation. So yeah, these guys take a lot of abuse. With that in mind I bring you a classic call from Florida.

me: Thank you for calling HSI support my name is jacapo, how may I help you today?
cx: Yeah, I had an appointment for today, tech never showed.
me: I can certainly help you with that. Let me just pull up your account here. Can I have the phone number?
cx: *gives me the number*
me: *pulls up the account, shows the customer did have a tech, but the notes indicate the customer cancelled at the door, meaning the tech was turned away when he showed up* Sir, I'm showing here on the account that you cancelled the appointment when the tech showed up.
cx: I didn't cancel, I told him to send someone else out!
me: Is there a reason for that sir? What was wrong with the technician?
cx: I don't want no filthy fucking mexicans in my house!

Now our monitoring software didn't always record for QA's, but we had the ability to manually record calls incoming, I felt that this call was in need of being recorded so I hit the button to begin recording.

me: Sir can you say that again? I don't think I heard you right.
cx: I don't want no fucking mexicans in my house. You heard me.
me: I'm sorry sir, but we don't control the race of the technicians that go to the homes.
cx: well you best better start, cause I see a fucking Chewy or a fucking porch monkey and I'll blow their god damn head off.
me: I would advise against that action sir, as it would probably land you in jail.
cx: Who the fuck cares about them, they cant speak no good english and they're takin american jobs. I cant stands them.
me: Well, I would thank you to not use such derogatory terms on this call sir, and unfortunately, again, we cannot control the race of the technician coming to your home for your internet trouble.
cx: Like I said you best better find away
*I hear the "shink" sound of shells being loaded into what I can imagine is a shotgun followed by the pump action cocking it*
cx: If I see one of them damn mexican or colerds, they either gonna be shot, or strung from a tree.
me: Sir that is an open threat against an employee of our company. I will ask you this once and only once, are you being serious in this threat?
cx: Damn skippy I am.
me: Thank you sir.
*I hang up the phone*

I toss myself in an aux state and make my way to my supervisors desk. She's new and I feel bad but shes gotta get broken in sometime

me: Hey , got a minute?
sup: sure, whats up?
me: Just had a customer threaten to shoot one of our techs.
sup: Oh... um.. was he serious? *The look in her eyes was of the OMFGWTF variety*
me: He was loading a shotgun I could hear the shells being loaded and heard him cock it.
sup: Oh jeeze, um... what do we do?
me: I recorded the call, what you need to do is get on the horn with this guys local police and report it asap, I'll call dispatch and let them know his house is a no fly zone.
sup: Ok, god, You don't think he'd really shoot the tech do you?
me: to quote the customer "better not be no Chewy or Porch Monkey" the guys IQ is probably less then mayonnaise and he has a gun, chances are someones going to get shot, him or other.
sup: Oh my. *she was obviously nervous about this, If I was wrong shed get in trouble for a false alarm, if I was right and she didn't do anything chances are a tech would wind up dead. Being Florida our tech were predominantly hispanic. *

So I show her the mp3 of the call, she extracts it and listens to it, her eyes wide like saucers. She then extracts the file and calls this guys local authority and sends them the mp3. About an hour later we get a call on her phone from the local authorities. The guy was arrested sitting on his porch with a loaded shotgun, apparently waiting for our tech. Scary shit.

Now I know I just bitched about our techs and their attitude, and while I may not like the vast majority of them, I'd be damned if I would wish a shotgun wound on any of them let alone death.

Sometimes you cant even count on your coworkers

In most HSI companies, field technicians doing installs have equipment that has already been activated in the system. We call this provisioning. Occasionally a modem will go out that is not provisioned, in these instances they will call in to us at tech support to flip the switch so to speak. Field techs have a nasty tendency to take advantage of this and call in for us to do things like read the levels on the modem (which they can do easier then us). A lot of our guys are smart, on the ball sharp kids or old hands. The others I'm certain the only question they were asked was if they spoke English or not, and sometimes I wonder about that even. 

My biggest aggravation when it comes to field techs is best summed up in the following call (from yesterday as a matter of fact)

tech: This is tech 1231, I got a modem I think needs to be provisioned. 

me: Sure thing, just give me the account number and I'll take a look 

I get the account number, pull it up in billing, everything looks golden, and I'm just waiting for the modem diagnostics to load

me: Well, it looks like everything is alright in billing, just waiting for the modem diagnostics to load here so I can check the bootfile. (about this time the modem diagnostics load... to an empty page. Not good) Um.. I got nothing here. The modem isn't reporting. What type of modem you putting in there. 

tech: Motorola 

me: Alright, easy enough, what are the lights doing on the front, if the modem is normal and has sync it should have the top 4 solid. 

tech: second one down, receive, is blinking.

(for the record, this means the modem isn't even getting a signal. Tech should know this)

me: Ok, that just means the modem doesn't have sync, you should be able to get up and running once you check the signal and the lines. 

tech: So... nothing you can do for it?

me: Um... not really, this would be the point where we'd send a tech out to fix it... that's you. 

tech: I think you're lying, fix this!

me: I can't. It's a physical problem you have to check the lines outside and in and make sure its getting signal. 

tech: Well.. How about you do your damn job and get this modem online!

(I've had enough at this point and decide, fuck it, both barrels blazing time)

me: You know what, Let me tell you what my job is, My job is to take care of advanced networking problems and to help you guys out when billing or provisioning is jacked up. When a customer doesn't have sync or a connection my job is to send a tech, again that's you,  to the home to fix it. So, how about you drop the attitude, and do your damn job. 

tech: Watch it asshole, I'll tell your supervisor

me: No you won't because I can do the same to you. So how about you do your job, and free up my line so I can do mine?

He hangs up, and from what I can tell hasn't called back in. 

This shit gets me. You are hired to do a job, you chose to apply for the job. It's not like you thought it was something it isn't. At my job recently there's been a lot of this. It really really really aggravates me. Alright I'll end my little rant. Back to the regularly scheduled humor and lightheartedness tomorrow. 

=)

Ode to The Dialer.

With the advent of the touch tone phone came a series of sophisticated automated prompts for banks, mail order companies, all the way up to the call centers we are so familiar with. These prompts presented people with a multitude of choices. Exampled being Press 1 for email support, Press 2 for Cable television support, Press 3 to release a rabid starving badger into your house.

Our lovely callers have forever had a certain problem with distinguishing between automated prompts and actual human voices. Anyone who has worked in a call center knows of these, we call them "Dialers". Dialers are usually good for a laugh and often times will correct themselves and apologize. To better define it here is an example of what a "dialer" does.

me: "Thank you for calling here may I have your phone number please"
cx: *uses touch tone phone and types in their phone number*
me: "thanks... but you can just tell me your number"
cx: "OH! Shit I'm sorry"

Seldom we'd get people of such a fine calibre that even after telling them we were a person, they would continue to dial. Me, I've only ever had 2 dialers. Colleagues of mine like Ferromancer have had several because of the control they had of their voice. But I'll let him tell his story. Here is one of note.

me : Thank you for calling HSI support, my name is Jacapo. May I please have the phone number on the account with the area code first?
cx: *dials number into phone*
me: Sorry, I'm really a human. If you could, please just tell me your number.
cx: *dials number into the phone again*
me: No, I actually need you to use words and tell me your phone number please.
cx : *dials number into the phone yet again*
me: Please. Stop doing that, use your voice, and use words, please speeeaakkk ( I exaggerated the word speak for emphasis) the phone number to me.
cx: *dials the number yet once more*
me: I don't know how I can make this any clearer. Please just speak the number to me. I am a person, not a computer, I don't understand dial tones.
cx: Damn, this things broken *hangs up the phone*

Now. The natural assumption is that the person couldn't hear me, right? Well I thought that at first, but while I was sitting there thinking over this phone call, I realize that can't be the case. The customer waited until I was done speaking each time before dialing in the number. and because I spoke at different length, It couldn't be that the person was just repeating the steps at a specific interval all on their own. Now is it possible that they couldn't hear me and that it was coincidence? Sure. It's also possible that I'll sprout a third arm from my chest because of radiation poisoning. WAYYYY too coincidental. The timing was way too on the money for the person to NOT have heard me. So, yeah. Further proof that people hear you, but just aren't listening.

RIP Gary Gygax

Image from http://www.penny-arcade.com/

A brief moment of silence for a great man.

While many will not know him unless they are a gamer, you can thank this man for many of our doctors, lawyers, firemen, policemen, astronauts, scientists, and miracle workers around us every day. Gary Gygax encouraged imagination and helped kids learn they could be more then what they were if they tried. He was a good man, and anyone who met him, fan or other, never had a bad thing to say about him. He has passed at the age of 69, and is survived by his wife and six children.

He can be credited with inspiring the world of gaming. Starting with the creation of Dungeons and Dragons. His legacy has inspired such companies as Blizzard Entertainment, Bioware, idSoft and many countless others. Dungeons and Dragon's influence and mechanics can be seen throughout the gaming and programing world. If you play a game that has saving throws, resists, combat based on rolls and hit tables, you can thank this man.

On a personal level, some of my most fond memories revolve around the game this man created. Bonding with my father during first edition games with his friends, Playing second edition AD&D with my friends at the local gaming shop and meeting people who would influence my life in the long run through this environment, to sitting around the table late night with a few beers in the college apartments laughing and having a good time. It was through these games I got to act out the dreams in my head brought through reading books like the lord of the rings series.

I ask you take a moment and think about how the games you played as a kid, or even as an adult have influenced your life. Then give a moment of thanks to a great man who has left us.

http://www.twincities.com/ci_8455468?source=rss

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Gygax

California With a Brief Stop in West Virginia

The vanity of people and level of self importance often boggles me. This being said I have a tendancy to be self focused, so if something truly bothers me about a person in this regard, I can only being to imagine how the rest of you feel. Along with the grandeur people see in themselves, comes the stereotypes. Now they wouldn't be sterotypes if they weren't steeped in truth. Enter one of our most beloved areas growing up (at least my generation) Beverly Hills 90210. TV taught us this place was full of rich, overprivaledged youths who had no idea how to deal with real life and stumbled through things in an obscene and often humorous and touching manner. Take out humours and touching and you get the vast majority of the people I have dealt with from this area.



me: Thank you for calling HSI technical support, my name is Jacapo. How can I help you today?
cx: Yeah I just had an installer here and he gave me the wrong cables, can you send him back out for me to get them replaced?
me: I'll do my best to assist let me just pull up your account. May I have the phone number with area code first please?
*cx gives me the number after sighing very very loudly INTO the phone, and I pull up the account*
me: Thank you mrs. X. You say the technician left you the wrong cables, did he not leave any power cords for the modem / cable box or did he just leave ones that don't fit the boxes?
cx: No, the power cord is alright, I just have the wrong cables
me: *logic would dictate if customer has power cords, it might be a USB / Ethernet cable isue.* Well, are you having a hard time fitting the Ethernet cable into the computer or using the USB connection? *I ask because my diagnostic on the modem wont load to tell me which connection the customer is using >.<* cx: No, those are fine, you aren't listening to me! He. Left. Me. The. Wrong. Cable. *she stressed each word as if saying them would cause her to lose control and turn into a beast*
me: Ok, Maybe I just don't follow you here, I know he didn't forget to leave the coax cable because I can see signal through them here on my system.
cx: He left me the wrong cables!!!!!
me: Yes. You've said that several times, however I don't see any missing cables, even by your own description you have everything you need to watch TV and get online. So if you could elaborate on your statement of "He left the wrong cables" and give me some specifics, that would be most helpful to our conversation here.
cx: *huffs* Fine. Since I have to spell it out. *dramatic pause* He came, and installed BLACK *she stretched the word out and emphasized it a lot* cable throughout my house. BLACK! can you believe that?
me: Yes I can, that's standard coax cable maam. I fail to see the problem.
cx: *chuckles* Of course you would my dear. Of course you would. *she has since adopted a condescending tone* It simply doesn't match anything in my house. My furniture, my walls and my rugs are all white. The cable sticks out like a sore thumb. It doesn't mate the decorum *yay for a nickle word used wrong*
me: Right, that's all well and good, but coax cable is black, that's how we buy it, that's how we ship it, and that's how we install it. If it's such a big deal I suggest you go to your local hardware store or radioshack or something, purchase white cable and just hook it up.
cx: That is unacceptable! They promised me white cables!
me: No we didn't.
cx: Yes they did! I have the name of the agent who said so right here
me: I have the billing account open, the agent that sold it to you has it noted that you requested white cabling and were denied, it is documented here.
cx: Then get me a supervisor! Right now!
me: Sure, but just so you are aware, my supervisor will tell you the exact same thing.



I walk over and talk to my sup. He's really laid back and a HUGE stoner, you can tell. Awesome guy, miss him as a sup, but I digress. The exchange here was kinda funny and a first for me.

me: Got a phone call for you, she's bitching about white cable lines needing to be installed.
sup: Really? California?
me: Yeap.
sup: Alright. You want to deal with it?
me: o.O?... O... k...?
sup: *pulls up the monitoring software for QA, hits the pause button, and turns monitoring off for me for the next hour or so, and deletes the call record of the call I am on* Have fun *He smiles at me and goes back to his other work*


With an evil grin on my face, I get back on the phone



me: Maam, I just talked to my sup, he says he doesn't want to talk to you.
cx: That's preposterous! You HAVE to get me a supervisor if I ask for one.
me: Yeah, about that... No. I won't be getting my supervisor, and I will note your account that if you hang up and call back they won't get you a supervisor either. You and I will reach a resolution to thin.
*long pause from the customers end*
cx: Then I want the tech to come back out here and find white cables to install, I don't care what he has to do to do that!.
me: You don't care what he has to do as long as it's done?
cx: Yes! That's what I said
me: Alright. I'll get the tech back out there.
cx: About time!
me: And the word is decor, not decorum
cx: *hangs up*


I call dispatch for California for the customers district and tell them what happened. They laugh, and patch me through to a tech in the field near the customers house. I tell him what happened, He laughs and says "I got this".


I look the account up a few hours later, the tech had gone to a radio shack 3 minutes from the customer's house, and bought about 500 feet of white cabling for probably a 50 foot job. Charged the customer for the cable, and charged the customer almost a grand for the rewire and noted the account "crazy spoiled brat"


That was the first time I realized how awesome doing that to a customer was. It wouldn't be the last as you will find out. My sups were awesome =)


Also that same day I got a call from West Virginia. On the whole nice people, never any angry folk, but stupidity isn't so much a trait as it is a theme and hobby for most of the people I've talked to from there. I had a call that ended like this that same day as the one above.



cx: Wow, you sure are a good computerizer.
me: what?
cx: You are mighty good with a computer, you's a good computerizer.
me: Ok... thank you...
cx: You single?
me: WHAT!?
cx: I said is you single? I gots me a daughter, shes a real gem, been lookin fer a husband fer her. You got's smarts, You all would have good kids.
me: Spoken for, thanks though.
cx: Thats a shame. Well tell you what, I'll give you her myspace, you check her out sometime. Maybe you'll change yer mind.*she gives me the webaddress*
me: Ok.... Thank you.
cx: No problem sugar, thanks for the help.


Out of morbid curiosity, on my break I go to the myspace. Yeah. Shouldn't have done it. The "thing" in the photos could have been the stunt double for Free Willy 5, carcass adventures. I don't mind large people, but this person probably needed a gurney system just to get dressed, and had a face that could sink a thousand boats.

Florida, More than just a cause for presidential recounts

Among the states we dreaded most was Florida. there were many reasons for this. Mostly because the majority of the people calling in for support, help or information fell into a couple categories with few exceptions during spring break.
1.) The snow bird. The snow bird is the person who lives in the north in the summer, and can afford to live in the south in the winter. These people tended to be old, crotchety and had no concept of technology let alone what we had to do to make two accounts work. All they cared about was that they paid, and wanted email.

2.) The retired self employed person. If you were to judge it purely on calls from us, you would think that EVERYONE in Florida own their own business. When the network would go down they would call screaming how they were loosing thousands of dollars. The reality of this was that they were either running / buying Ebay auctions or they were day traders. These calls often lead to the reading of the terms of service (which were printed and hung in the cube next to mine, thanks FerroMancer ) and often times a supervisor call. But we will be visiting that later =)

3.) The redneck. This person probably has several cars on their lawn, none of which run, and all of which are on blocks. An old TV being used as a TV stand for a semi new one, several well kept guns, skoal tobacco by the case and about 398,471,346,134,108,934 kids. These people would make up their own words and often times threaten bodily injury to phone agents because their Internet was down and they couldn't download their porn, or get their updates on their NASCAR races.

4.) The Old Timer. No concept of technology, no concept of what year it was, could barely hear you and more often then not hailed from Boca Raton. Invariably the calls would have some reference to the "Good Old Days". The people were very lonely and used the tech support line as a chat line for human contact. These calls would also always take you over your call time if you weren't an asshole, luckily for me I was a lovable asshole and generally got away with murder.

5.) The retired techie. These people are smart in their own rights, however their area of expertise ends are reel to reel and punch cards. Very seldom you'd get a retired unix admin. These people were a mixed bag. Some were the best customers ever, others wouldn't listen because they knew better then us.

Areas such as Boca Raton earned nicknames of humorous nature. We used to say that Boca Raton was old Indian for "Death's Waiting Room" and such. yes we ARE horrible people, but I'm ok with this and my penthouse in hell I will surely receive.

Here is one of my favorite calls from Florida, many will follow but this should be a good opener. It's not as long as the others but its still will paint a pretty good idea of the intelligence involved here

me = Thank you for calling HSI support my name is jacapo, how may I help you today?
cx = Yeah I cant get online.
me = I'll be happy to help you with that. May I please have the phone number on your account area code first
cx = *rattles off the phone number*
me = Thank you, just a moment. *pulls it up and sees the customer is in Florida, and a hurricane just came through that area knocking out power for almost all of southern Florida* Well sir, it looks like your area was hit by the hurricane there, that would be why you can't get online.
cx = Yeah, but the hurricane is gone now.
me = I understand that the storm is over sir, but the vast majority of Southern Florida is still without power and the power company is still working to resolve this issue. Many of these areas are still flooded as well making it much harder to restore power sir.
cx = Yeah but I have power.
me = Alright I understand you may have pow...
cx = *cuts me off* Yeah I got my generator, my modem and my laptop all hooked up, so why can't I get online? *an edge of anger in his voice*
me = *pulls up a map of the area and sees this guy is in one of the flood zones* Well first of all sir I see you are in a flood zone an....
cx = *cuts me off again* yeah, but you ain't listening, I got power . *slightly more agressive tone*
me = I am aware that you have power sir, that does not however change the fact that you are in a flood zone.
cx = Yeah but I'm on my roof, so I'm not in the water.
me = *Stunned by the thought process of this person on my line* Sir, While you may be on your roof with a generator, your modem and laptop, that does not mean that our server for your area either 1. have power or 2. aren't slightly flooded like the surrounding area.
cx = Well then what the hell do I pay you for? *I can visualize the fire and smoke from this guy's ears*
me = *I decide this call is worth pushing a button or two* To provide you with Internet whenever our servers aren't swimming sir.
cx = Well shit, what am I supposed to do now?
me = Hang up, dial 911 and tell them where you are and that you are on the roof. hopefully they will take you to one of the hotels with Internet.
cx = Thanks for nothing *hangs up*

Yes this really happened. He was smart enough to bring a generator, his modem and his laptop to the roof, but not smart enough to realize that the majority of southern Florida being out of power would include our servers. Add to this he gets angry at the fact a NATURAL DISASTER has taken out Internet, a luxury service, and that hes not concerned with say, getting to dry land further inland, and it boggles my mind that this person hasn't been killed in a horrible accident at the grocery store resulting from an argument about how his pork chops should be cut. *sigh* I guess Darwin's theory has been slacking slightly.

Also a fun little extra for this area. Florida is also the place where we had a fiber cut caused by some locals shooting off their shotguns in the air near one of our lines. Now, splicing fiber cable back together is hard enough on it's own and takes several, several hours, add to this the next point. The cable end landed in an alligator's nest, complete with it's eggs while it was nesting. We had to wait almost 27 hours for animal control to bring the right equipment to move said gator and eggs safely without causing themselves harm before we could begin splicing the line together again. This made for some very funny calls

cx = Why can't I get online?
me = Because the main fiber line for your area is cut and we are waiting for animal control to arrive on the scene to remove a gator and its eggs.
cx = Oh... You serious?
me = *dead pan voice* Dead serious, however if you know anyone in the business of gator wrestling let us know, could come in handy while we are waiting for animal control.
cx = *hangs up*
me = *Smiles. Thank you evolution for inventing alligators*

Different states, same results.

As anyone who has taken calls over the phone can tell you there is always at least one area they absolutely dread speaking with. Whether it is because of accent, culture, attitude, or in my case the general lack of intelligent thought in an area, we dread those calls with emotion that borders on obscene. The company I worked for prior to it being sold and restructured to the current company I am with, had a few of those areas. The three worst offenders were Florida, California, and West Virginia. My first call ever was from California, it was during the period of time we call nesting.

For those of you unfamiliar with a call center nesting is the period of time in which freshly trained agents or representatives take inbound calls. In our case this was a few weeks of the training. 1 week of listening to calls for a couple hours, 1 week of taking calls with someone on our side for a couple hours and then the last week before we were assigned to our teams we took calls for seven hours of the 8 hour shift by ourselves.

On the Monday of my last week, I punch into the phone and settle in ready to take my first set of calls, when this one comes in from California.

me = Thank you for calling ISP technical support my name is jacapo, may I please have your phone number with area code first?
cx = *rattles off phone number*
me = Thank you, what can I do for you today?
cx = Yeah, I'm having trouble accessing the Internet, all the lights on the modem deal seem to be normal but I can't connect.
me = I can certainly help you with that. Let me just load your modem's diagnostics and take a look here. *waits for our diag program to load, I get the modem up and see its been online for 127 days solid* Well, I have some good news. Looks like your modem is online, so this should be an easy fix. It shows you are connected to a DLink router. There's probably just a communication problem between them, a simple reboot should take care of that.
cx = alright what do I have to do?
me = Well , go over to your router and look at the back where all the wires are, remove the thin black circular one from the router, and all the lights should go off.
cx = ok, done
me = Thank you, give me a moment and I will reset the modem for you. *hits my big modem reset button, and wait for it to come back online* Looks like the modem has rebooted successfully. You can go ahead and plug that cord back into the router now
cx = ok just a sec. ( I hear things banging around on her end) um... the cord is gone.
me = *o.O??* What do you mean the cord is gone? (I hadn't yet learned to keep my mouth shut with questions I don't want the answer too)
cx = It must have gone through the hole in the wall.
me = Ok, well if you didn't unplug it from the outlet the end of the cable should still be there anchored, you can fish it up through the hole.
cx = No the holes gone now, so's the end of the cord(I hear her walking and doors opening and closing) Shit, this always happens when its least convenient.
me = What happens?
cx = The house eats something I need and then I can't find it for a day or two, then it like shows up.
me = *??o.O??*
cx = So, what do you think I should do?
me = (remember the not having a filter thing? yeah, this one got me in trouble but before I could stop myself the words came out) Ma'am, it sounds like you could use an old priest and a young priest.
cx = Ok. Thanks. Should I call back if I find the cord?
me = *surprised I got away with what I just said* No, you shouldn't have to after you plug the router back in, but if you have any trouble just call back in well help you best we can.
cx = Ok thank you, you have a blessed day.

Now, I thought I was free and clear. I forgot that our trainer was going to be live monitoring calls.... yeah he monitored that one. He came over got me from on the phone and took me back to the training room. He lectured me about how I can't say stuff like that etc etc etc. After his short sermon on what not to do, he then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "but damn that was funny" He then told me how to get away with it and when it was safe to do stuff like that (i.e. make borderline rude comments for my own enjoyment) He also informed me which sups I could get away with it and which I couldn't as well. The information in that little pep talk produced many many funny calls.


I will be sharing these, hope you keep enjoying them and find them humorous

The Tale begins - Enter Conspiracy Theory man!

I've been doing the whole tech support thing for a while in some capacity or another, but its been a couple years since I started taking calls for a local ISP in a call center environment. During this time I've climbed up from first level support to the last line support. I'll start the blog out with a classic call that everyone seems to get a kick out of.

me: Thank you for calling Technical Support My name is jacapo, how may I help you today?
cx: Yeah, I'm unable to get online (there is lots of static on the line with this customer)
me: I'll be happy to help you with that. May I start by having your phone number please?
cx: Um... I don't have a phone.
me: Ok.... How are you calling me then?
cx: I'm on a payphone.
me: *stares at screen blankly for a few moments* Ok then... May I have your account number please? You can find it on any of your recent billing statements
cx: Yeah.. about that... I don't have any bills either.
me: If you haven't been receiving bills sir, I'll be happy to get new ones sent to your home as soon as we pull up your account....
cx: *cutting me off* No no, I'm getting the bills. I just burn them when I'm done with them

This sends up a red flag and I immediately regret the next words that come from my mouth.

me: Why do you burn the bills sir? (Damn that not having a filter yet!)
cx: We'll phones and bills are how they track you!
me: *realizing this call is already going to shit decide to prod* And who is "they" sir?
cx: The Government (his tone was completely even)
me: Alright, I don't quite see...
cx: *cutting me off again* They listen to our phone calls and track what we purchase, the only way to live off the grid is to not have a phone and to leave no paper trail.
me: Sure, but you have High Speed Internet with us right?
cx: yes
me: Alrighty then. Well, since we don't have an account number or phone number available I'll need your modems MAC address. It is 12 characters long and contains letters A through F and numbers 0 through 9, you can find it on the bottom or side of the modem on a sticker, mostly likely labeled as HFC MAC or Cable MAC.
cx: Alright, I'll be right back.

I hear the phone drop and hit something metal, I hear the distinct sound of coins and then a shuffling of feet. About 30 seconds later I hear the sound of horns and the screech of tires, several, several times. Several minutes pass and I'm busy playing catch with the guy in the cube across from me when the customer comes back.

cx: Alright I'm back, I got the number *rattles off number*
me: *tosses number in system pulls up the account, snags the address and for shits and grins tosses it in map quest to see where this guy lives. Finding out this guy lives near a major highway in the area. I suppress the urge to laugh and ask him how playing frogger across 6 lanes of traffic goes and put on my tech support poker face / voice* Alright sir, well it shows that you are offline, modem hasn't been able to reach our server in several hours. I'm going to have to send a tech out since there doesn't appear to be an area outage. Let me pull up the calendar and see what we have avail...
cx: *Cutting me off again* Can you get someone out today? It's really important that I get back online.
me: I'll see what I can do about that, just waiting for our technician work schedule to load.
cx: Alright, cause if I can't put my eZine update through today, the "network" *he whispered the words* will be upset.
me: *o.O? Realizing this guy is whacked I just want him off my phone ASAP* Well sir, I can understand the importance of that, it does indeed look like I have someone available today, He can be there between 3 pm and 5pm , is that alright?
cx: *happy as a pig in shit* EXCELLENT! I'll be there, just tell him to have his badge so I can verify he's from your company.
me: Sure thing sir. Anything else I can help you with today?
cx: Nope. You did great. Thank you so much. The "network" *he whispered the word again* will appreciate it.
me: Anytime, have a great day sir.

I ended the call, and immediately went into a personal aux state, and proceeded to share this story with everyone on my team. Been laughing at it ever since. I look back at that day, and I realize why my faith in humanity has slowly been corroded over the years since starting this job.