Good morning!

      In the words of Warren Ellis, “good morning filthy humans.” It’s morning somewhere, deal with it. You’re wondering who I, aren’t you? Who is the person, this McKrout that is posting here? I’m here for the same reason that Jacapo is, to entertain the masses with stories of terror and horror. See, I also work in tech support for a mjaor ISP, at least I did do tech support. Now I work for “The Man” as certain people would lead you to believe, but the hell with them. I mention that I now work for “The Man” because the call I’m going tell you about is about will make you scream irony. Or lies, irony or lies, it’s your call.

Me: Thank you for calling my ISP, my name is McKrout. What can I do for you today?
Caller: My son says the internet doesn’t work, can you help with that?
Me: Of course I can ma’am. Can you be a bit more specific though?
Caller: My son says he can’t share files anymore. Here, talk to him about it. He’ll explain it better. (I’m now thinking that Jr. here can’t download his music anymore and this will be a nice quick call where I explain that we can shut him down.)
Caller: This is Jr. and I can’t share my files anymore.
Me: Well, Sir, depending on what yo... (Cut off)
Caller: You guys are blocking the ports and not letting me share anymore, unblock them.
Me: We don’t block those ports sir and if we did, we can’t unblock them. (Try explaining our policy on file sharing again,) As I was trying to explain befo... (Cut off again.)
Caller: Let me explain this for you. Up until two days ago, I was able to download and upload anything I wanted to. Then I started to share documents on the government and how they are controlled by the shape shifting lizard people... (he drones on for a minute or two, but I don’t hear a thing. No longer is this call easy, I’m dealing with a tinfoil hatist here and he’s gone.)
Me: (Collecting my thoughts and moving my jaw back to the correct location,) You’re trying to share what?
Caller: The government had you shut me down so I couldn’t share my information on the shape shifting lizard people. You need to open up the ports again so I can continue to share. The people need to know the truth. They need to know that humans aren’t in control anymore. TURN MY INTERNET BACK ON!
Me: Well, (still confused and trying not to lose my shit on this call,) I have to admit that I don’t have the foggiest idea as to what you’re talking about. I can tell you that we didn’t shut you down. I’m looking at your connection here and it looks great. I’d suggest reinstalling the program that you’re using and see if that works, but we don’t support file sharing software and I don’t know anything about them. Was there anything else I can do for you today sir?
Caller: You haven’t helped me. You work for them, don’t you? You know they’re everywhere, right? If you don’t work for them, you should help me out to spread in the information. People need to know.
Me: (Staring blankly at my cube-mates, scared for my life. This kid is nuts. He can’t be any older than maybe 13 or 14 years old and he’s nuts. We’re screwed.)
Caller: Blah blah blah, illuminati, blah blah blah, the signs are everywhere, etc...
Me: Sir, I don’t mean to interrupt you (total lie, I want to kill this kid and save us all from this lunatic,) but there is really nothing I can do for you. Did you have any other questions today?
Caller: ...No
Me: In that case, my name is McKrout. Thank you for calling my ISP and have a good day.

     Are your eyes bleeding yet? No? Damn! So, after taking that call five years ago, it made me look at humanity a bit differently. We’re doomed, completely and totally doomed. Mind you, it’s expected that you’ll get that type of call working for an ISP, but not from someone that age. That kid probably has a job someplace or has been locked up, I hope for the sake of us all he’s locked up.

The Modem, The Modem, The Modem's on Fire!

So, every once in a while we get calls from those special enough to qualify for Darwin awards (use Google and search Darwin awards if you must, trust me its worth it, I'll wait, go ahead )

Anyways, a while back I got a call from a customer in California, Beverly Hills. Can we say stereo type? Good, I knew you could! This woman had that valley girl accent and the "apparent" intelligence that mayonnaise could beat. Here's the calls.

Me: Thank you for calling ISP support, my name is Jacapo, how can I help you today?
Cx: Well, My modem stopped working and I need a new one.
Me: Ok, well I can help you with that. Let me just pull up your account here.
*I pull up the account and there's a flag on the account. Looks like this persons gone through 8 modems in a month, a fantastic feat by any means.* Umm.....I see you've gone through a rather large amount of modems from us recently. What's going on with them?
Cx: I don't really know, but after a while they get really really warm and then stop working.
*I'm thinking outlet problem, over heating issues aren't too uncommon when hooked into a faulty outlet*
Me: Ok, are they being plugged into the same power outlet or power strip every time you replace it? Are you putting them in a well ventilated area?
Cx: No, I use different plugs and replaced the power strip, and after the first one caught on fire, I made sure they've had plenty of room.
Me: Wait... The first one caught on fire?!?!?!?!?
Cx: Yeah, burst right into flames, thankfully nothing was damaged aside from the modem cause I was right here.
Me: Wow, I think that's the first I've heard of that happening. But you said every modem after that just gets warm and dies right? It sounds like its power related. Are you sure you are using new outlets and such?
Cx: Yeap! Different outlets every time.
Me: I'll be honest I'm at a loss. Do you do anything special with your modems?
Cx: Not that I can think of..Oh wait. Yeah, When I get them, they are usually pretty ugly looking to I paint them pink so they can be pretty and match my computer!
Me: You paint your modems... pink?
Cx: Yeap sure do!
Me: Ok.... That's not such a great idea. What type of paint are you using on them?
Cx: I don't know let me look... Sherwin Williams, I got it from the hardware store.
Me: So.. you are using house paint on the modems??? Are you just coating them completely? Are you leaving the slits on the side cleared?
Cx: Oh..... Should I have?
Me: Um... painting the modems with house paint is bad, that paint is made to stand up to the outside elements and is very very heavy. Covering the vents keeps all the heat in further cause it doesn't allow air to flow through it so it can't cool itself down. You are killing your modems.
Cx: Oh... Well if they just sent me a pink modem like I asked, then this wouldn't have been a problem!
Me: Modems don't come in pink. White, Grey , Black, and Blue. No pink
Cx: Fine! Then I want to cancel my services and I'll find someone who will give me a pink modem!
Me: Here, let me help you process your cancellation of service.
Cx: Wait... You aren't going to try to save me as a customer?
Me: Ma'am, what we save in the cost in modems will far outweigh whatever you were going to spend on our services.
Cx: Why I never!
Me: Never what? Think about your actions? Have a nice day and your services have been cancelled as per your request.

The customer hung up, and we all had a good laugh at the flaming modems. Good times. Good times.