Different states, same results.

As anyone who has taken calls over the phone can tell you there is always at least one area they absolutely dread speaking with. Whether it is because of accent, culture, attitude, or in my case the general lack of intelligent thought in an area, we dread those calls with emotion that borders on obscene. The company I worked for prior to it being sold and restructured to the current company I am with, had a few of those areas. The three worst offenders were Florida, California, and West Virginia. My first call ever was from California, it was during the period of time we call nesting.

For those of you unfamiliar with a call center nesting is the period of time in which freshly trained agents or representatives take inbound calls. In our case this was a few weeks of the training. 1 week of listening to calls for a couple hours, 1 week of taking calls with someone on our side for a couple hours and then the last week before we were assigned to our teams we took calls for seven hours of the 8 hour shift by ourselves.

On the Monday of my last week, I punch into the phone and settle in ready to take my first set of calls, when this one comes in from California.

me = Thank you for calling ISP technical support my name is jacapo, may I please have your phone number with area code first?
cx = *rattles off phone number*
me = Thank you, what can I do for you today?
cx = Yeah, I'm having trouble accessing the Internet, all the lights on the modem deal seem to be normal but I can't connect.
me = I can certainly help you with that. Let me just load your modem's diagnostics and take a look here. *waits for our diag program to load, I get the modem up and see its been online for 127 days solid* Well, I have some good news. Looks like your modem is online, so this should be an easy fix. It shows you are connected to a DLink router. There's probably just a communication problem between them, a simple reboot should take care of that.
cx = alright what do I have to do?
me = Well , go over to your router and look at the back where all the wires are, remove the thin black circular one from the router, and all the lights should go off.
cx = ok, done
me = Thank you, give me a moment and I will reset the modem for you. *hits my big modem reset button, and wait for it to come back online* Looks like the modem has rebooted successfully. You can go ahead and plug that cord back into the router now
cx = ok just a sec. ( I hear things banging around on her end) um... the cord is gone.
me = *o.O??* What do you mean the cord is gone? (I hadn't yet learned to keep my mouth shut with questions I don't want the answer too)
cx = It must have gone through the hole in the wall.
me = Ok, well if you didn't unplug it from the outlet the end of the cable should still be there anchored, you can fish it up through the hole.
cx = No the holes gone now, so's the end of the cord(I hear her walking and doors opening and closing) Shit, this always happens when its least convenient.
me = What happens?
cx = The house eats something I need and then I can't find it for a day or two, then it like shows up.
me = *??o.O??*
cx = So, what do you think I should do?
me = (remember the not having a filter thing? yeah, this one got me in trouble but before I could stop myself the words came out) Ma'am, it sounds like you could use an old priest and a young priest.
cx = Ok. Thanks. Should I call back if I find the cord?
me = *surprised I got away with what I just said* No, you shouldn't have to after you plug the router back in, but if you have any trouble just call back in well help you best we can.
cx = Ok thank you, you have a blessed day.

Now, I thought I was free and clear. I forgot that our trainer was going to be live monitoring calls.... yeah he monitored that one. He came over got me from on the phone and took me back to the training room. He lectured me about how I can't say stuff like that etc etc etc. After his short sermon on what not to do, he then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "but damn that was funny" He then told me how to get away with it and when it was safe to do stuff like that (i.e. make borderline rude comments for my own enjoyment) He also informed me which sups I could get away with it and which I couldn't as well. The information in that little pep talk produced many many funny calls.


I will be sharing these, hope you keep enjoying them and find them humorous

The Tale begins - Enter Conspiracy Theory man!

I've been doing the whole tech support thing for a while in some capacity or another, but its been a couple years since I started taking calls for a local ISP in a call center environment. During this time I've climbed up from first level support to the last line support. I'll start the blog out with a classic call that everyone seems to get a kick out of.

me: Thank you for calling Technical Support My name is jacapo, how may I help you today?
cx: Yeah, I'm unable to get online (there is lots of static on the line with this customer)
me: I'll be happy to help you with that. May I start by having your phone number please?
cx: Um... I don't have a phone.
me: Ok.... How are you calling me then?
cx: I'm on a payphone.
me: *stares at screen blankly for a few moments* Ok then... May I have your account number please? You can find it on any of your recent billing statements
cx: Yeah.. about that... I don't have any bills either.
me: If you haven't been receiving bills sir, I'll be happy to get new ones sent to your home as soon as we pull up your account....
cx: *cutting me off* No no, I'm getting the bills. I just burn them when I'm done with them

This sends up a red flag and I immediately regret the next words that come from my mouth.

me: Why do you burn the bills sir? (Damn that not having a filter yet!)
cx: We'll phones and bills are how they track you!
me: *realizing this call is already going to shit decide to prod* And who is "they" sir?
cx: The Government (his tone was completely even)
me: Alright, I don't quite see...
cx: *cutting me off again* They listen to our phone calls and track what we purchase, the only way to live off the grid is to not have a phone and to leave no paper trail.
me: Sure, but you have High Speed Internet with us right?
cx: yes
me: Alrighty then. Well, since we don't have an account number or phone number available I'll need your modems MAC address. It is 12 characters long and contains letters A through F and numbers 0 through 9, you can find it on the bottom or side of the modem on a sticker, mostly likely labeled as HFC MAC or Cable MAC.
cx: Alright, I'll be right back.

I hear the phone drop and hit something metal, I hear the distinct sound of coins and then a shuffling of feet. About 30 seconds later I hear the sound of horns and the screech of tires, several, several times. Several minutes pass and I'm busy playing catch with the guy in the cube across from me when the customer comes back.

cx: Alright I'm back, I got the number *rattles off number*
me: *tosses number in system pulls up the account, snags the address and for shits and grins tosses it in map quest to see where this guy lives. Finding out this guy lives near a major highway in the area. I suppress the urge to laugh and ask him how playing frogger across 6 lanes of traffic goes and put on my tech support poker face / voice* Alright sir, well it shows that you are offline, modem hasn't been able to reach our server in several hours. I'm going to have to send a tech out since there doesn't appear to be an area outage. Let me pull up the calendar and see what we have avail...
cx: *Cutting me off again* Can you get someone out today? It's really important that I get back online.
me: I'll see what I can do about that, just waiting for our technician work schedule to load.
cx: Alright, cause if I can't put my eZine update through today, the "network" *he whispered the words* will be upset.
me: *o.O? Realizing this guy is whacked I just want him off my phone ASAP* Well sir, I can understand the importance of that, it does indeed look like I have someone available today, He can be there between 3 pm and 5pm , is that alright?
cx: *happy as a pig in shit* EXCELLENT! I'll be there, just tell him to have his badge so I can verify he's from your company.
me: Sure thing sir. Anything else I can help you with today?
cx: Nope. You did great. Thank you so much. The "network" *he whispered the word again* will appreciate it.
me: Anytime, have a great day sir.

I ended the call, and immediately went into a personal aux state, and proceeded to share this story with everyone on my team. Been laughing at it ever since. I look back at that day, and I realize why my faith in humanity has slowly been corroded over the years since starting this job.