All too often, those of us in a call center environment get calls from customers who insist we fix a problem that isn't our problem. This happens more often then not to those of us who work for companies that do not charge for technical support. We get all manners of calls on some very random, none service related issues. Here's a couple of my favorites.
Me: Thank you for calling HSI support, My name is jacapo, how may I help you today?
Cx: Yeah, I can't get online, it's stuck at this one screen.
Me: Let me just pull up your account and I'll be happy to help.
*I get the information I need and pull the customers account up, the modem is online and responsive, I'm thinking this should be a quick easy call*
Me: Well, I have your information up, looks like the modem is in good health. You said its stuck at one screen? Can you please describe the screen your computer is stuck on? Is it a web page? Is it a blank white page with the internet icons on top?
Cx: It's a blue one with white lettering.
Me: * I instantly recognize it as the blue screen of death* Ok... What does the white lettering say?
Cx: Windows has encountered a problem and needs to close.
Me: That would mean that your computer has crashed. Windows does not appear to be working correctly.
Cx: Right, Fix it then.
Me: I can't its not our problem, if you have a problem with windows you have to call Microsoft or you have to call your computer manufacturer.
Cx: Yeah, but they want me to pay them, you guys are free, so... you fix it!
Me: I think not *I hang up and note the account so when the person calls back in they are instantly referred to vendor. I check back and see the person called back in 4 times that day, each time referred to vendor. ^_^*
Another classic is the following
Me: Thank you for calling HSI support my name is jacapo, how can I help you today?
Cx: Yeah, I can't get online wireless.
Me: I can take a look at that, let me just snag your account here.
*I pull up the account and see that the customer does NOT have home networking with us, I then pull up the modem diagnostics and see its a motorola modem (ours) and a linksys router (not ours)* Well, I show you don't actually have wireless from us, looks like you are using a linksys router. You'd probably want to talk to them if you are having trouble with the wireless.
Cx: No, this is from you, you all installed it and you all gave it to me.
Me: No. We didn't. We don't supply linksys routers to our customers. While our tech may have set it up as a courtesy, that does not obligate us to support it. If you are unable to get online, I can offer to help you bypass your router and you can go directly connected to the modem.
Cx: But I want to be online wireless.
Me: Then you need to contact linksys.
Cx: No, I want you to fix it.
Me: Well... That is not going to happen. I can only legally support our devices. If I begin to troubleshoot another companies equipment while my company doesn't have a contract with them, we can be fined quite a large sum of money. Unless you wish to pay for said fine should one occur, you will want to contact linksys, and ask them why your wireless is broken.
Cx: . . . . . .
Me: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Cx: Yeah you can fix my wireless.
Me: I don't know if I can express this in any manner simpler then I already have but I will try. Linksys, Not us. Modem, motorola, Us. I support the motorola. The linksys must be fixed by linksys.
Cx . . . . . .
Me: Would you like linksys' number?
* I then hear the sweet sweet sounds of a dial tone*
Honestly, when you are calling your Internet company, please please please don't expect me to go and do anything other then fix our shit, and help you with your computer. It's like calling your mechanic and asking him to paint your family portrait, just. plain. wrong. We don't appreciate it, and the other customers who have to wait to talk to us with real problems don't appreciate it. If your computer tells you to call / contact a specific company. Call said company. If it is painfully obvious it's one companies problem call that company. Makes every one's life easier. If you do call, and someone tells you with certainty that it's not their problem and they can back it up with solid evidence, chances are they are right and you should probably believe them and move along.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Children say the darndest things.
Children are often both the source of great relief or great aggravation when it comes to us in tech support here. Alot of the time the kids we get on the phone are young but know there way around the computer so you can say things like "can you dump the tcp/ip" and they will respond with "sure, just a sec" and then do it. Others are too young to even honestly be on the phone and just want to play their dora game, or are the bratty teenagers who either A.) want to just play their damn video game and don't care about anything else or B.) can't log into myspace / facebook / email / whateverelseitistheydo and want to bitch about it, in both cases refusing to actually troubleshoot.
Another useful term for today's topic is wardriving.
Wardriving is the act of searching for Wi-Fi wireless networks by a person in a moving vehicle (or on foot) using a Wi-Fi-equipped computer, such as a laptop or a PDA. It is similar to using a radio scanner, or to the amateur radio practice of DXing. Wardriving was named after the term wardialing from the 1983 film WarGames, which involved searching for computer systems with software that dialed numbers sequentially to see which ones were connected to a fax machine or computer
Enter our caller from California.
me: Thank you for calling HSI support, my name is jacapo. How can I help you today?
cx: Yeah I'm getting your red screen telling me to call in with my modem mac something or other.
me: Certainly. Can I have the phone number on the account with the area code first?
*gives me the phone number and nothing comes up*
me: Ok, nothing seems to be pulling up an account how about the modem number off the screen?
*gives me the mac address, nothing pulls up*
me: Ok nothing their either, how about the account number? Do you have that handy?
cx: I don't have an account.
me: Ok, well then if you are getting that screen you must have one of our modems that we just didn't build an account for yet.
cx: No, we don't have service with you, the screen just told me to call you
me: *o.O?* Ok... if you don't have service or don't want service with us there is nothing much I can do for you.
cx: Yeah you can fix this so I can get online again!.
me: If you do not have an account with us I can't do anything to help.
cx: Yeah well its our neighbors modem he has your HSI so fix it so I can play my damn game!
me: So... you are piggybacking off of your neighbors connection... Does he know about it?
cx: No, but my father says its alright.
me: Are you familiar with the term wardriving?
cx: What?
me: Wardriving. It's a term used for people who use other peoples connections, often times hacking into them, or otherwise using them without the permission of the person who owns it, or drive around looking for open networks without security to join. It's not a good thing. If your neighbor doesn't know about it, and hasn't given you permission, you are stealing your neighbors wireless connection.
cx: Well my dad says we can so I don't give a shit what you say
me: That's fine kid, but I will not be helping you, as a matter of fact, since I have your neighbors mac address here courtesy of you, I'm going to track them down, call them, help them get back online and lock your sorry little ass out so you can't use theirs anymore, after I tell them you've been leeching off their Internet.
cx: Yeah well I'll tell my father and we'll see what he has to say about this!
me: Go right ahead kid, you're not a customer of ours, we wont help you, and if he bitches about not being able to steal his neighbor's wireless, we'll see what he says after we talk to him. Now, if you don't mind, I have a phone call to make.
I hang up on the kid, track down who owns the modem (calling our billing department works wonders sometimes) call the guy, get him back online and lock the router. I inform the guy what happened and he thinks its hilarious and thanks me profusely. Apparently we had shut him down for virus / spam / etc. and he couldn't find anything wrong with his system and actually had just had it wiped clean, and this solves the mystery of why we keep shutting him down.
Apparently the kids dad did call in later that night, he got one of my team mates who had heard my earlier call. I only heard one thing he said during the conversation and it was awesome.
"Sir stealing the Internet from someone is no different then stealing a car, money, or a person's items. When you get caught, you are done, end of story, do not pass go do not collect $200. If you want to speak with our legal department in regards to this, I'll be more then happy to transfer you."
Some people just don't want to take no for an answer, or listen to logic / reason. Go figure.
Another useful term for today's topic is wardriving.
Wardriving is the act of searching for Wi-Fi wireless networks by a person in a moving vehicle (or on foot) using a Wi-Fi-equipped computer, such as a laptop or a PDA. It is similar to using a radio scanner, or to the amateur radio practice of DXing. Wardriving was named after the term wardialing from the 1983 film WarGames, which involved searching for computer systems with software that dialed numbers sequentially to see which ones were connected to a fax machine or computer
Enter our caller from California.
me: Thank you for calling HSI support, my name is jacapo. How can I help you today?
cx: Yeah I'm getting your red screen telling me to call in with my modem mac something or other.
me: Certainly. Can I have the phone number on the account with the area code first?
*gives me the phone number and nothing comes up*
me: Ok, nothing seems to be pulling up an account how about the modem number off the screen?
*gives me the mac address, nothing pulls up*
me: Ok nothing their either, how about the account number? Do you have that handy?
cx: I don't have an account.
me: Ok, well then if you are getting that screen you must have one of our modems that we just didn't build an account for yet.
cx: No, we don't have service with you, the screen just told me to call you
me: *o.O?* Ok... if you don't have service or don't want service with us there is nothing much I can do for you.
cx: Yeah you can fix this so I can get online again!.
me: If you do not have an account with us I can't do anything to help.
cx: Yeah well its our neighbors modem he has your HSI so fix it so I can play my damn game!
me: So... you are piggybacking off of your neighbors connection... Does he know about it?
cx: No, but my father says its alright.
me: Are you familiar with the term wardriving?
cx: What?
me: Wardriving. It's a term used for people who use other peoples connections, often times hacking into them, or otherwise using them without the permission of the person who owns it, or drive around looking for open networks without security to join. It's not a good thing. If your neighbor doesn't know about it, and hasn't given you permission, you are stealing your neighbors wireless connection.
cx: Well my dad says we can so I don't give a shit what you say
me: That's fine kid, but I will not be helping you, as a matter of fact, since I have your neighbors mac address here courtesy of you, I'm going to track them down, call them, help them get back online and lock your sorry little ass out so you can't use theirs anymore, after I tell them you've been leeching off their Internet.
cx: Yeah well I'll tell my father and we'll see what he has to say about this!
me: Go right ahead kid, you're not a customer of ours, we wont help you, and if he bitches about not being able to steal his neighbor's wireless, we'll see what he says after we talk to him. Now, if you don't mind, I have a phone call to make.
I hang up on the kid, track down who owns the modem (calling our billing department works wonders sometimes) call the guy, get him back online and lock the router. I inform the guy what happened and he thinks its hilarious and thanks me profusely. Apparently we had shut him down for virus / spam / etc. and he couldn't find anything wrong with his system and actually had just had it wiped clean, and this solves the mystery of why we keep shutting him down.
Apparently the kids dad did call in later that night, he got one of my team mates who had heard my earlier call. I only heard one thing he said during the conversation and it was awesome.
"Sir stealing the Internet from someone is no different then stealing a car, money, or a person's items. When you get caught, you are done, end of story, do not pass go do not collect $200. If you want to speak with our legal department in regards to this, I'll be more then happy to transfer you."
Some people just don't want to take no for an answer, or listen to logic / reason. Go figure.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Has Florida Sunk Into The Sea Yet?
For all the shit our field technicians get into with us, a lot of them have it really rough. I've spoken to people in just my area who work for our company as field techs, and they have been shot, stabbed, fought with dogs having been sent after them, people pushing them off ladders and all other sorts of nastiness. My first team I made friends with an ex field tech that came into the center just to get off the streets. What colored his decision was that he had been stuck on a pole behind someones house for 8 hours. He got up on the pole, the guy let his three rottweilers out, and my friend dropped his walkies. The dogs kept circling the bottom of the pole and he was stuck there for 8 hours until his supervisor came to find out where he was. After another short wait for animal control and the police, he came down, went home, and transfered to the call center. To put if further into perspective, the tech supervisor that did my cable install when I first started with the company shared stories about how many times he had been shot or stabbed while doing installation. So yeah, these guys take a lot of abuse. With that in mind I bring you a classic call from Florida.
me: Thank you for calling HSI support my name is jacapo, how may I help you today?
cx: Yeah, I had an appointment for today, tech never showed.
me: I can certainly help you with that. Let me just pull up your account here. Can I have the phone number?
cx: *gives me the number*
me: *pulls up the account, shows the customer did have a tech, but the notes indicate the customer cancelled at the door, meaning the tech was turned away when he showed up* Sir, I'm showing here on the account that you cancelled the appointment when the tech showed up.
cx: I didn't cancel, I told him to send someone else out!
me: Is there a reason for that sir? What was wrong with the technician?
cx: I don't want no filthy fucking mexicans in my house!
Now our monitoring software didn't always record for QA's, but we had the ability to manually record calls incoming, I felt that this call was in need of being recorded so I hit the button to begin recording.
me: Sir can you say that again? I don't think I heard you right.
cx: I don't want no fucking mexicans in my house. You heard me.
me: I'm sorry sir, but we don't control the race of the technicians that go to the homes.
cx: well you best better start, cause I see a fucking Chewy or a fucking porch monkey and I'll blow their god damn head off.
me: I would advise against that action sir, as it would probably land you in jail.
cx: Who the fuck cares about them, they cant speak no good english and they're takin american jobs. I cant stands them.
me: Well, I would thank you to not use such derogatory terms on this call sir, and unfortunately, again, we cannot control the race of the technician coming to your home for your internet trouble.
cx: Like I said you best better find away
*I hear the "shink" sound of shells being loaded into what I can imagine is a shotgun followed by the pump action cocking it*
cx: If I see one of them damn mexican or colerds, they either gonna be shot, or strung from a tree.
me: Sir that is an open threat against an employee of our company. I will ask you this once and only once, are you being serious in this threat?
cx: Damn skippy I am.
me: Thank you sir.
*I hang up the phone*
I toss myself in an aux state and make my way to my supervisors desk. She's new and I feel bad but shes gotta get broken in sometime
me: Hey , got a minute?
sup: sure, whats up?
me: Just had a customer threaten to shoot one of our techs.
sup: Oh... um.. was he serious? *The look in her eyes was of the OMFGWTF variety*
me: He was loading a shotgun I could hear the shells being loaded and heard him cock it.
sup: Oh jeeze, um... what do we do?
me: I recorded the call, what you need to do is get on the horn with this guys local police and report it asap, I'll call dispatch and let them know his house is a no fly zone.
sup: Ok, god, You don't think he'd really shoot the tech do you?
me: to quote the customer "better not be no Chewy or Porch Monkey" the guys IQ is probably less then mayonnaise and he has a gun, chances are someones going to get shot, him or other.
sup: Oh my. *she was obviously nervous about this, If I was wrong shed get in trouble for a false alarm, if I was right and she didn't do anything chances are a tech would wind up dead. Being Florida our tech were predominantly hispanic. *
So I show her the mp3 of the call, she extracts it and listens to it, her eyes wide like saucers. She then extracts the file and calls this guys local authority and sends them the mp3. About an hour later we get a call on her phone from the local authorities. The guy was arrested sitting on his porch with a loaded shotgun, apparently waiting for our tech. Scary shit.
Now I know I just bitched about our techs and their attitude, and while I may not like the vast majority of them, I'd be damned if I would wish a shotgun wound on any of them let alone death.
me: Thank you for calling HSI support my name is jacapo, how may I help you today?
cx: Yeah, I had an appointment for today, tech never showed.
me: I can certainly help you with that. Let me just pull up your account here. Can I have the phone number?
cx: *gives me the number*
me: *pulls up the account, shows the customer did have a tech, but the notes indicate the customer cancelled at the door, meaning the tech was turned away when he showed up* Sir, I'm showing here on the account that you cancelled the appointment when the tech showed up.
cx: I didn't cancel, I told him to send someone else out!
me: Is there a reason for that sir? What was wrong with the technician?
cx: I don't want no filthy fucking mexicans in my house!
Now our monitoring software didn't always record for QA's, but we had the ability to manually record calls incoming, I felt that this call was in need of being recorded so I hit the button to begin recording.
me: Sir can you say that again? I don't think I heard you right.
cx: I don't want no fucking mexicans in my house. You heard me.
me: I'm sorry sir, but we don't control the race of the technicians that go to the homes.
cx: well you best better start, cause I see a fucking Chewy or a fucking porch monkey and I'll blow their god damn head off.
me: I would advise against that action sir, as it would probably land you in jail.
cx: Who the fuck cares about them, they cant speak no good english and they're takin american jobs. I cant stands them.
me: Well, I would thank you to not use such derogatory terms on this call sir, and unfortunately, again, we cannot control the race of the technician coming to your home for your internet trouble.
cx: Like I said you best better find away
*I hear the "shink" sound of shells being loaded into what I can imagine is a shotgun followed by the pump action cocking it*
cx: If I see one of them damn mexican or colerds, they either gonna be shot, or strung from a tree.
me: Sir that is an open threat against an employee of our company. I will ask you this once and only once, are you being serious in this threat?
cx: Damn skippy I am.
me: Thank you sir.
*I hang up the phone*
I toss myself in an aux state and make my way to my supervisors desk. She's new and I feel bad but shes gotta get broken in sometime
me: Hey , got a minute?
sup: sure, whats up?
me: Just had a customer threaten to shoot one of our techs.
sup: Oh... um.. was he serious? *The look in her eyes was of the OMFGWTF variety*
me: He was loading a shotgun I could hear the shells being loaded and heard him cock it.
sup: Oh jeeze, um... what do we do?
me: I recorded the call, what you need to do is get on the horn with this guys local police and report it asap, I'll call dispatch and let them know his house is a no fly zone.
sup: Ok, god, You don't think he'd really shoot the tech do you?
me: to quote the customer "better not be no Chewy or Porch Monkey" the guys IQ is probably less then mayonnaise and he has a gun, chances are someones going to get shot, him or other.
sup: Oh my. *she was obviously nervous about this, If I was wrong shed get in trouble for a false alarm, if I was right and she didn't do anything chances are a tech would wind up dead. Being Florida our tech were predominantly hispanic. *
So I show her the mp3 of the call, she extracts it and listens to it, her eyes wide like saucers. She then extracts the file and calls this guys local authority and sends them the mp3. About an hour later we get a call on her phone from the local authorities. The guy was arrested sitting on his porch with a loaded shotgun, apparently waiting for our tech. Scary shit.
Now I know I just bitched about our techs and their attitude, and while I may not like the vast majority of them, I'd be damned if I would wish a shotgun wound on any of them let alone death.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Sometimes you cant even count on your coworkers
In most HSI companies, field technicians doing installs have equipment that has already been activated in the system. We call this provisioning. Occasionally a modem will go out that is not provisioned, in these instances they will call in to us at tech support to flip the switch so to speak. Field techs have a nasty tendency to take advantage of this and call in for us to do things like read the levels on the modem (which they can do easier then us). A lot of our guys are smart, on the ball sharp kids or old hands. The others I'm certain the only question they were asked was if they spoke English or not, and sometimes I wonder about that even.
My biggest aggravation when it comes to field techs is best summed up in the following call (from yesterday as a matter of fact)
tech: This is tech 1231, I got a modem I think needs to be provisioned.
me: Sure thing, just give me the account number and I'll take a look
I get the account number, pull it up in billing, everything looks golden, and I'm just waiting for the modem diagnostics to load
me: Well, it looks like everything is alright in billing, just waiting for the modem diagnostics to load here so I can check the bootfile. (about this time the modem diagnostics load... to an empty page. Not good) Um.. I got nothing here. The modem isn't reporting. What type of modem you putting in there.
tech: Motorola
me: Alright, easy enough, what are the lights doing on the front, if the modem is normal and has sync it should have the top 4 solid.
tech: second one down, receive, is blinking.
(for the record, this means the modem isn't even getting a signal. Tech should know this)
me: Ok, that just means the modem doesn't have sync, you should be able to get up and running once you check the signal and the lines.
tech: So... nothing you can do for it?
me: Um... not really, this would be the point where we'd send a tech out to fix it... that's you.
tech: I think you're lying, fix this!
me: I can't. It's a physical problem you have to check the lines outside and in and make sure its getting signal.
tech: Well.. How about you do your damn job and get this modem online!
(I've had enough at this point and decide, fuck it, both barrels blazing time)
me: You know what, Let me tell you what my job is, My job is to take care of advanced networking problems and to help you guys out when billing or provisioning is jacked up. When a customer doesn't have sync or a connection my job is to send a tech, again that's you, to the home to fix it. So, how about you drop the attitude, and do your damn job.
tech: Watch it asshole, I'll tell your supervisor
me: No you won't because I can do the same to you. So how about you do your job, and free up my line so I can do mine?
He hangs up, and from what I can tell hasn't called back in.
This shit gets me. You are hired to do a job, you chose to apply for the job. It's not like you thought it was something it isn't. At my job recently there's been a lot of this. It really really really aggravates me. Alright I'll end my little rant. Back to the regularly scheduled humor and lightheartedness tomorrow.
=)
Monday, March 10, 2008
Ode to The Dialer.
With the advent of the touch tone phone came a series of sophisticated automated prompts for banks, mail order companies, all the way up to the call centers we are so familiar with. These prompts presented people with a multitude of choices. Exampled being Press 1 for email support, Press 2 for Cable television support, Press 3 to release a rabid starving badger into your house.
Our lovely callers have forever had a certain problem with distinguishing between automated prompts and actual human voices. Anyone who has worked in a call center knows of these, we call them "Dialers". Dialers are usually good for a laugh and often times will correct themselves and apologize. To better define it here is an example of what a "dialer" does.
me: "Thank you for calling here may I have your phone number please"
cx: *uses touch tone phone and types in their phone number*
me: "thanks... but you can just tell me your number"
cx: "OH! Shit I'm sorry"
Seldom we'd get people of such a fine calibre that even after telling them we were a person, they would continue to dial. Me, I've only ever had 2 dialers. Colleagues of mine like Ferromancer have had several because of the control they had of their voice. But I'll let him tell his story. Here is one of note.
me : Thank you for calling HSI support, my name is Jacapo. May I please have the phone number on the account with the area code first?
cx: *dials number into phone*
me: Sorry, I'm really a human. If you could, please just tell me your number.
cx: *dials number into the phone again*
me: No, I actually need you to use words and tell me your phone number please.
cx : *dials number into the phone yet again*
me: Please. Stop doing that, use your voice, and use words, please speeeaakkk ( I exaggerated the word speak for emphasis) the phone number to me.
cx: *dials the number yet once more*
me: I don't know how I can make this any clearer. Please just speak the number to me. I am a person, not a computer, I don't understand dial tones.
cx: Damn, this things broken *hangs up the phone*
Now. The natural assumption is that the person couldn't hear me, right? Well I thought that at first, but while I was sitting there thinking over this phone call, I realize that can't be the case. The customer waited until I was done speaking each time before dialing in the number. and because I spoke at different length, It couldn't be that the person was just repeating the steps at a specific interval all on their own. Now is it possible that they couldn't hear me and that it was coincidence? Sure. It's also possible that I'll sprout a third arm from my chest because of radiation poisoning. WAYYYY too coincidental. The timing was way too on the money for the person to NOT have heard me. So, yeah. Further proof that people hear you, but just aren't listening.
Our lovely callers have forever had a certain problem with distinguishing between automated prompts and actual human voices. Anyone who has worked in a call center knows of these, we call them "Dialers". Dialers are usually good for a laugh and often times will correct themselves and apologize. To better define it here is an example of what a "dialer" does.
me: "Thank you for calling here may I have your phone number please"
cx: *uses touch tone phone and types in their phone number*
me: "thanks... but you can just tell me your number"
cx: "OH! Shit I'm sorry"
Seldom we'd get people of such a fine calibre that even after telling them we were a person, they would continue to dial. Me, I've only ever had 2 dialers. Colleagues of mine like Ferromancer have had several because of the control they had of their voice. But I'll let him tell his story. Here is one of note.
me : Thank you for calling HSI support, my name is Jacapo. May I please have the phone number on the account with the area code first?
cx: *dials number into phone*
me: Sorry, I'm really a human. If you could, please just tell me your number.
cx: *dials number into the phone again*
me: No, I actually need you to use words and tell me your phone number please.
cx : *dials number into the phone yet again*
me: Please. Stop doing that, use your voice, and use words, please speeeaakkk ( I exaggerated the word speak for emphasis) the phone number to me.
cx: *dials the number yet once more*
me: I don't know how I can make this any clearer. Please just speak the number to me. I am a person, not a computer, I don't understand dial tones.
cx: Damn, this things broken *hangs up the phone*
Now. The natural assumption is that the person couldn't hear me, right? Well I thought that at first, but while I was sitting there thinking over this phone call, I realize that can't be the case. The customer waited until I was done speaking each time before dialing in the number. and because I spoke at different length, It couldn't be that the person was just repeating the steps at a specific interval all on their own. Now is it possible that they couldn't hear me and that it was coincidence? Sure. It's also possible that I'll sprout a third arm from my chest because of radiation poisoning. WAYYYY too coincidental. The timing was way too on the money for the person to NOT have heard me. So, yeah. Further proof that people hear you, but just aren't listening.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
RIP Gary Gygax
Image from http://www.penny-arcade.com/
A brief moment of silence for a great man.
While many will not know him unless they are a gamer, you can thank this man for many of our doctors, lawyers, firemen, policemen, astronauts, scientists, and miracle workers around us every day. Gary Gygax encouraged imagination and helped kids learn they could be more then what they were if they tried. He was a good man, and anyone who met him, fan or other, never had a bad thing to say about him. He has passed at the age of 69, and is survived by his wife and six children.
He can be credited with inspiring the world of gaming. Starting with the creation of Dungeons and Dragons. His legacy has inspired such companies as Blizzard Entertainment, Bioware, idSoft and many countless others. Dungeons and Dragon's influence and mechanics can be seen throughout the gaming and programing world. If you play a game that has saving throws, resists, combat based on rolls and hit tables, you can thank this man.
On a personal level, some of my most fond memories revolve around the game this man created. Bonding with my father during first edition games with his friends, Playing second edition AD&D with my friends at the local gaming shop and meeting people who would influence my life in the long run through this environment, to sitting around the table late night with a few beers in the college apartments laughing and having a good time. It was through these games I got to act out the dreams in my head brought through reading books like the lord of the rings series.
I ask you take a moment and think about how the games you played as a kid, or even as an adult have influenced your life. Then give a moment of thanks to a great man who has left us.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
California With a Brief Stop in West Virginia
The vanity of people and level of self importance often boggles me. This being said I have a tendancy to be self focused, so if something truly bothers me about a person in this regard, I can only being to imagine how the rest of you feel. Along with the grandeur people see in themselves, comes the stereotypes. Now they wouldn't be sterotypes if they weren't steeped in truth. Enter one of our most beloved areas growing up (at least my generation) Beverly Hills 90210. TV taught us this place was full of rich, overprivaledged youths who had no idea how to deal with real life and stumbled through things in an obscene and often humorous and touching manner. Take out humours and touching and you get the vast majority of the people I have dealt with from this area.
me: Thank you for calling HSI technical support, my name is Jacapo. How can I help you today?
cx: Yeah I just had an installer here and he gave me the wrong cables, can you send him back out for me to get them replaced?
me: I'll do my best to assist let me just pull up your account. May I have the phone number with area code first please?
*cx gives me the number after sighing very very loudly INTO the phone, and I pull up the account*
me: Thank you mrs. X. You say the technician left you the wrong cables, did he not leave any power cords for the modem / cable box or did he just leave ones that don't fit the boxes?
cx: No, the power cord is alright, I just have the wrong cables
me: *logic would dictate if customer has power cords, it might be a USB / Ethernet cable isue.* Well, are you having a hard time fitting the Ethernet cable into the computer or using the USB connection? *I ask because my diagnostic on the modem wont load to tell me which connection the customer is using >.<* cx: No, those are fine, you aren't listening to me! He. Left. Me. The. Wrong. Cable. *she stressed each word as if saying them would cause her to lose control and turn into a beast*
me: Ok, Maybe I just don't follow you here, I know he didn't forget to leave the coax cable because I can see signal through them here on my system.
cx: He left me the wrong cables!!!!!
me: Yes. You've said that several times, however I don't see any missing cables, even by your own description you have everything you need to watch TV and get online. So if you could elaborate on your statement of "He left the wrong cables" and give me some specifics, that would be most helpful to our conversation here.
cx: *huffs* Fine. Since I have to spell it out. *dramatic pause* He came, and installed BLACK *she stretched the word out and emphasized it a lot* cable throughout my house. BLACK! can you believe that?
me: Yes I can, that's standard coax cable maam. I fail to see the problem.
cx: *chuckles* Of course you would my dear. Of course you would. *she has since adopted a condescending tone* It simply doesn't match anything in my house. My furniture, my walls and my rugs are all white. The cable sticks out like a sore thumb. It doesn't mate the decorum *yay for a nickle word used wrong*
me: Right, that's all well and good, but coax cable is black, that's how we buy it, that's how we ship it, and that's how we install it. If it's such a big deal I suggest you go to your local hardware store or radioshack or something, purchase white cable and just hook it up.
cx: That is unacceptable! They promised me white cables!
me: No we didn't.
cx: Yes they did! I have the name of the agent who said so right here
me: I have the billing account open, the agent that sold it to you has it noted that you requested white cabling and were denied, it is documented here.
cx: Then get me a supervisor! Right now!
me: Sure, but just so you are aware, my supervisor will tell you the exact same thing.
I walk over and talk to my sup. He's really laid back and a HUGE stoner, you can tell. Awesome guy, miss him as a sup, but I digress. The exchange here was kinda funny and a first for me.
me: Got a phone call for you, she's bitching about white cable lines needing to be installed.
sup: Really? California?
me: Yeap.
sup: Alright. You want to deal with it?
me: o.O?... O... k...?
sup: *pulls up the monitoring software for QA, hits the pause button, and turns monitoring off for me for the next hour or so, and deletes the call record of the call I am on* Have fun *He smiles at me and goes back to his other work*
With an evil grin on my face, I get back on the phone
me: Maam, I just talked to my sup, he says he doesn't want to talk to you.
cx: That's preposterous! You HAVE to get me a supervisor if I ask for one.
me: Yeah, about that... No. I won't be getting my supervisor, and I will note your account that if you hang up and call back they won't get you a supervisor either. You and I will reach a resolution to thin.
*long pause from the customers end*
cx: Then I want the tech to come back out here and find white cables to install, I don't care what he has to do to do that!.
me: You don't care what he has to do as long as it's done?
cx: Yes! That's what I said
me: Alright. I'll get the tech back out there.
cx: About time!
me: And the word is decor, not decorum
cx: *hangs up*
I call dispatch for California for the customers district and tell them what happened. They laugh, and patch me through to a tech in the field near the customers house. I tell him what happened, He laughs and says "I got this".
I look the account up a few hours later, the tech had gone to a radio shack 3 minutes from the customer's house, and bought about 500 feet of white cabling for probably a 50 foot job. Charged the customer for the cable, and charged the customer almost a grand for the rewire and noted the account "crazy spoiled brat"
That was the first time I realized how awesome doing that to a customer was. It wouldn't be the last as you will find out. My sups were awesome =)
Also that same day I got a call from West Virginia. On the whole nice people, never any angry folk, but stupidity isn't so much a trait as it is a theme and hobby for most of the people I've talked to from there. I had a call that ended like this that same day as the one above.
cx: Wow, you sure are a good computerizer.
me: what?
cx: You are mighty good with a computer, you's a good computerizer.
me: Ok... thank you...
cx: You single?
me: WHAT!?
cx: I said is you single? I gots me a daughter, shes a real gem, been lookin fer a husband fer her. You got's smarts, You all would have good kids.
me: Spoken for, thanks though.
cx: Thats a shame. Well tell you what, I'll give you her myspace, you check her out sometime. Maybe you'll change yer mind.*she gives me the webaddress*
me: Ok.... Thank you.
cx: No problem sugar, thanks for the help.
Out of morbid curiosity, on my break I go to the myspace. Yeah. Shouldn't have done it. The "thing" in the photos could have been the stunt double for Free Willy 5, carcass adventures. I don't mind large people, but this person probably needed a gurney system just to get dressed, and had a face that could sink a thousand boats.
me: Thank you for calling HSI technical support, my name is Jacapo. How can I help you today?
cx: Yeah I just had an installer here and he gave me the wrong cables, can you send him back out for me to get them replaced?
me: I'll do my best to assist let me just pull up your account. May I have the phone number with area code first please?
*cx gives me the number after sighing very very loudly INTO the phone, and I pull up the account*
me: Thank you mrs. X. You say the technician left you the wrong cables, did he not leave any power cords for the modem / cable box or did he just leave ones that don't fit the boxes?
cx: No, the power cord is alright, I just have the wrong cables
me: *logic would dictate if customer has power cords, it might be a USB / Ethernet cable isue.* Well, are you having a hard time fitting the Ethernet cable into the computer or using the USB connection? *I ask because my diagnostic on the modem wont load to tell me which connection the customer is using >.<* cx: No, those are fine, you aren't listening to me! He. Left. Me. The. Wrong. Cable. *she stressed each word as if saying them would cause her to lose control and turn into a beast*
me: Ok, Maybe I just don't follow you here, I know he didn't forget to leave the coax cable because I can see signal through them here on my system.
cx: He left me the wrong cables!!!!!
me: Yes. You've said that several times, however I don't see any missing cables, even by your own description you have everything you need to watch TV and get online. So if you could elaborate on your statement of "He left the wrong cables" and give me some specifics, that would be most helpful to our conversation here.
cx: *huffs* Fine. Since I have to spell it out. *dramatic pause* He came, and installed BLACK *she stretched the word out and emphasized it a lot* cable throughout my house. BLACK! can you believe that?
me: Yes I can, that's standard coax cable maam. I fail to see the problem.
cx: *chuckles* Of course you would my dear. Of course you would. *she has since adopted a condescending tone* It simply doesn't match anything in my house. My furniture, my walls and my rugs are all white. The cable sticks out like a sore thumb. It doesn't mate the decorum *yay for a nickle word used wrong*
me: Right, that's all well and good, but coax cable is black, that's how we buy it, that's how we ship it, and that's how we install it. If it's such a big deal I suggest you go to your local hardware store or radioshack or something, purchase white cable and just hook it up.
cx: That is unacceptable! They promised me white cables!
me: No we didn't.
cx: Yes they did! I have the name of the agent who said so right here
me: I have the billing account open, the agent that sold it to you has it noted that you requested white cabling and were denied, it is documented here.
cx: Then get me a supervisor! Right now!
me: Sure, but just so you are aware, my supervisor will tell you the exact same thing.
I walk over and talk to my sup. He's really laid back and a HUGE stoner, you can tell. Awesome guy, miss him as a sup, but I digress. The exchange here was kinda funny and a first for me.
me: Got a phone call for you, she's bitching about white cable lines needing to be installed.
sup: Really? California?
me: Yeap.
sup: Alright. You want to deal with it?
me: o.O?... O... k...?
sup: *pulls up the monitoring software for QA, hits the pause button, and turns monitoring off for me for the next hour or so, and deletes the call record of the call I am on* Have fun *He smiles at me and goes back to his other work*
With an evil grin on my face, I get back on the phone
me: Maam, I just talked to my sup, he says he doesn't want to talk to you.
cx: That's preposterous! You HAVE to get me a supervisor if I ask for one.
me: Yeah, about that... No. I won't be getting my supervisor, and I will note your account that if you hang up and call back they won't get you a supervisor either. You and I will reach a resolution to thin.
*long pause from the customers end*
cx: Then I want the tech to come back out here and find white cables to install, I don't care what he has to do to do that!.
me: You don't care what he has to do as long as it's done?
cx: Yes! That's what I said
me: Alright. I'll get the tech back out there.
cx: About time!
me: And the word is decor, not decorum
cx: *hangs up*
I call dispatch for California for the customers district and tell them what happened. They laugh, and patch me through to a tech in the field near the customers house. I tell him what happened, He laughs and says "I got this".
I look the account up a few hours later, the tech had gone to a radio shack 3 minutes from the customer's house, and bought about 500 feet of white cabling for probably a 50 foot job. Charged the customer for the cable, and charged the customer almost a grand for the rewire and noted the account "crazy spoiled brat"
That was the first time I realized how awesome doing that to a customer was. It wouldn't be the last as you will find out. My sups were awesome =)
Also that same day I got a call from West Virginia. On the whole nice people, never any angry folk, but stupidity isn't so much a trait as it is a theme and hobby for most of the people I've talked to from there. I had a call that ended like this that same day as the one above.
cx: Wow, you sure are a good computerizer.
me: what?
cx: You are mighty good with a computer, you's a good computerizer.
me: Ok... thank you...
cx: You single?
me: WHAT!?
cx: I said is you single? I gots me a daughter, shes a real gem, been lookin fer a husband fer her. You got's smarts, You all would have good kids.
me: Spoken for, thanks though.
cx: Thats a shame. Well tell you what, I'll give you her myspace, you check her out sometime. Maybe you'll change yer mind.*she gives me the webaddress*
me: Ok.... Thank you.
cx: No problem sugar, thanks for the help.
Out of morbid curiosity, on my break I go to the myspace. Yeah. Shouldn't have done it. The "thing" in the photos could have been the stunt double for Free Willy 5, carcass adventures. I don't mind large people, but this person probably needed a gurney system just to get dressed, and had a face that could sink a thousand boats.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Florida, More than just a cause for presidential recounts
Among the states we dreaded most was Florida. there were many reasons for this. Mostly because the majority of the people calling in for support, help or information fell into a couple categories with few exceptions during spring break.
1.) The snow bird. The snow bird is the person who lives in the north in the summer, and can afford to live in the south in the winter. These people tended to be old, crotchety and had no concept of technology let alone what we had to do to make two accounts work. All they cared about was that they paid, and wanted email.
2.) The retired self employed person. If you were to judge it purely on calls from us, you would think that EVERYONE in Florida own their own business. When the network would go down they would call screaming how they were loosing thousands of dollars. The reality of this was that they were either running / buying Ebay auctions or they were day traders. These calls often lead to the reading of the terms of service (which were printed and hung in the cube next to mine, thanks FerroMancer ) and often times a supervisor call. But we will be visiting that later =)
3.) The redneck. This person probably has several cars on their lawn, none of which run, and all of which are on blocks. An old TV being used as a TV stand for a semi new one, several well kept guns, skoal tobacco by the case and about 398,471,346,134,108,934 kids. These people would make up their own words and often times threaten bodily injury to phone agents because their Internet was down and they couldn't download their porn, or get their updates on their NASCAR races.
4.) The Old Timer. No concept of technology, no concept of what year it was, could barely hear you and more often then not hailed from Boca Raton. Invariably the calls would have some reference to the "Good Old Days". The people were very lonely and used the tech support line as a chat line for human contact. These calls would also always take you over your call time if you weren't an asshole, luckily for me I was a lovable asshole and generally got away with murder.
5.) The retired techie. These people are smart in their own rights, however their area of expertise ends are reel to reel and punch cards. Very seldom you'd get a retired unix admin. These people were a mixed bag. Some were the best customers ever, others wouldn't listen because they knew better then us.
Areas such as Boca Raton earned nicknames of humorous nature. We used to say that Boca Raton was old Indian for "Death's Waiting Room" and such. yes we ARE horrible people, but I'm ok with this and my penthouse in hell I will surely receive.
Here is one of my favorite calls from Florida, many will follow but this should be a good opener. It's not as long as the others but its still will paint a pretty good idea of the intelligence involved here
me = Thank you for calling HSI support my name is jacapo, how may I help you today?
cx = Yeah I cant get online.
me = I'll be happy to help you with that. May I please have the phone number on your account area code first
cx = *rattles off the phone number*
me = Thank you, just a moment. *pulls it up and sees the customer is in Florida, and a hurricane just came through that area knocking out power for almost all of southern Florida* Well sir, it looks like your area was hit by the hurricane there, that would be why you can't get online.
cx = Yeah, but the hurricane is gone now.
me = I understand that the storm is over sir, but the vast majority of Southern Florida is still without power and the power company is still working to resolve this issue. Many of these areas are still flooded as well making it much harder to restore power sir.
cx = Yeah but I have power.
me = Alright I understand you may have pow...
cx = *cuts me off* Yeah I got my generator, my modem and my laptop all hooked up, so why can't I get online? *an edge of anger in his voice*
me = *pulls up a map of the area and sees this guy is in one of the flood zones* Well first of all sir I see you are in a flood zone an....
cx = *cuts me off again* yeah, but you ain't listening, I got power . *slightly more agressive tone*
me = I am aware that you have power sir, that does not however change the fact that you are in a flood zone.
cx = Yeah but I'm on my roof, so I'm not in the water.
me = *Stunned by the thought process of this person on my line* Sir, While you may be on your roof with a generator, your modem and laptop, that does not mean that our server for your area either 1. have power or 2. aren't slightly flooded like the surrounding area.
cx = Well then what the hell do I pay you for? *I can visualize the fire and smoke from this guy's ears*
me = *I decide this call is worth pushing a button or two* To provide you with Internet whenever our servers aren't swimming sir.
cx = Well shit, what am I supposed to do now?
me = Hang up, dial 911 and tell them where you are and that you are on the roof. hopefully they will take you to one of the hotels with Internet.
cx = Thanks for nothing *hangs up*
Yes this really happened. He was smart enough to bring a generator, his modem and his laptop to the roof, but not smart enough to realize that the majority of southern Florida being out of power would include our servers. Add to this he gets angry at the fact a NATURAL DISASTER has taken out Internet, a luxury service, and that hes not concerned with say, getting to dry land further inland, and it boggles my mind that this person hasn't been killed in a horrible accident at the grocery store resulting from an argument about how his pork chops should be cut. *sigh* I guess Darwin's theory has been slacking slightly.
Also a fun little extra for this area. Florida is also the place where we had a fiber cut caused by some locals shooting off their shotguns in the air near one of our lines. Now, splicing fiber cable back together is hard enough on it's own and takes several, several hours, add to this the next point. The cable end landed in an alligator's nest, complete with it's eggs while it was nesting. We had to wait almost 27 hours for animal control to bring the right equipment to move said gator and eggs safely without causing themselves harm before we could begin splicing the line together again. This made for some very funny calls
cx = Why can't I get online?
me = Because the main fiber line for your area is cut and we are waiting for animal control to arrive on the scene to remove a gator and its eggs.
cx = Oh... You serious?
me = *dead pan voice* Dead serious, however if you know anyone in the business of gator wrestling let us know, could come in handy while we are waiting for animal control.
cx = *hangs up*
me = *Smiles. Thank you evolution for inventing alligators*
1.) The snow bird. The snow bird is the person who lives in the north in the summer, and can afford to live in the south in the winter. These people tended to be old, crotchety and had no concept of technology let alone what we had to do to make two accounts work. All they cared about was that they paid, and wanted email.
2.) The retired self employed person. If you were to judge it purely on calls from us, you would think that EVERYONE in Florida own their own business. When the network would go down they would call screaming how they were loosing thousands of dollars. The reality of this was that they were either running / buying Ebay auctions or they were day traders. These calls often lead to the reading of the terms of service (which were printed and hung in the cube next to mine, thanks FerroMancer ) and often times a supervisor call. But we will be visiting that later =)
3.) The redneck. This person probably has several cars on their lawn, none of which run, and all of which are on blocks. An old TV being used as a TV stand for a semi new one, several well kept guns, skoal tobacco by the case and about 398,471,346,134,108,934 kids. These people would make up their own words and often times threaten bodily injury to phone agents because their Internet was down and they couldn't download their porn, or get their updates on their NASCAR races.
4.) The Old Timer. No concept of technology, no concept of what year it was, could barely hear you and more often then not hailed from Boca Raton. Invariably the calls would have some reference to the "Good Old Days". The people were very lonely and used the tech support line as a chat line for human contact. These calls would also always take you over your call time if you weren't an asshole, luckily for me I was a lovable asshole and generally got away with murder.
5.) The retired techie. These people are smart in their own rights, however their area of expertise ends are reel to reel and punch cards. Very seldom you'd get a retired unix admin. These people were a mixed bag. Some were the best customers ever, others wouldn't listen because they knew better then us.
Areas such as Boca Raton earned nicknames of humorous nature. We used to say that Boca Raton was old Indian for "Death's Waiting Room" and such. yes we ARE horrible people, but I'm ok with this and my penthouse in hell I will surely receive.
Here is one of my favorite calls from Florida, many will follow but this should be a good opener. It's not as long as the others but its still will paint a pretty good idea of the intelligence involved here
me = Thank you for calling HSI support my name is jacapo, how may I help you today?
cx = Yeah I cant get online.
me = I'll be happy to help you with that. May I please have the phone number on your account area code first
cx = *rattles off the phone number*
me = Thank you, just a moment. *pulls it up and sees the customer is in Florida, and a hurricane just came through that area knocking out power for almost all of southern Florida* Well sir, it looks like your area was hit by the hurricane there, that would be why you can't get online.
cx = Yeah, but the hurricane is gone now.
me = I understand that the storm is over sir, but the vast majority of Southern Florida is still without power and the power company is still working to resolve this issue. Many of these areas are still flooded as well making it much harder to restore power sir.
cx = Yeah but I have power.
me = Alright I understand you may have pow...
cx = *cuts me off* Yeah I got my generator, my modem and my laptop all hooked up, so why can't I get online? *an edge of anger in his voice*
me = *pulls up a map of the area and sees this guy is in one of the flood zones* Well first of all sir I see you are in a flood zone an....
cx = *cuts me off again* yeah, but you ain't listening, I got power . *slightly more agressive tone*
me = I am aware that you have power sir, that does not however change the fact that you are in a flood zone.
cx = Yeah but I'm on my roof, so I'm not in the water.
me = *Stunned by the thought process of this person on my line* Sir, While you may be on your roof with a generator, your modem and laptop, that does not mean that our server for your area either 1. have power or 2. aren't slightly flooded like the surrounding area.
cx = Well then what the hell do I pay you for? *I can visualize the fire and smoke from this guy's ears*
me = *I decide this call is worth pushing a button or two* To provide you with Internet whenever our servers aren't swimming sir.
cx = Well shit, what am I supposed to do now?
me = Hang up, dial 911 and tell them where you are and that you are on the roof. hopefully they will take you to one of the hotels with Internet.
cx = Thanks for nothing *hangs up*
Yes this really happened. He was smart enough to bring a generator, his modem and his laptop to the roof, but not smart enough to realize that the majority of southern Florida being out of power would include our servers. Add to this he gets angry at the fact a NATURAL DISASTER has taken out Internet, a luxury service, and that hes not concerned with say, getting to dry land further inland, and it boggles my mind that this person hasn't been killed in a horrible accident at the grocery store resulting from an argument about how his pork chops should be cut. *sigh* I guess Darwin's theory has been slacking slightly.
Also a fun little extra for this area. Florida is also the place where we had a fiber cut caused by some locals shooting off their shotguns in the air near one of our lines. Now, splicing fiber cable back together is hard enough on it's own and takes several, several hours, add to this the next point. The cable end landed in an alligator's nest, complete with it's eggs while it was nesting. We had to wait almost 27 hours for animal control to bring the right equipment to move said gator and eggs safely without causing themselves harm before we could begin splicing the line together again. This made for some very funny calls
cx = Why can't I get online?
me = Because the main fiber line for your area is cut and we are waiting for animal control to arrive on the scene to remove a gator and its eggs.
cx = Oh... You serious?
me = *dead pan voice* Dead serious, however if you know anyone in the business of gator wrestling let us know, could come in handy while we are waiting for animal control.
cx = *hangs up*
me = *Smiles. Thank you evolution for inventing alligators*
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