Good morning!

      In the words of Warren Ellis, “good morning filthy humans.” It’s morning somewhere, deal with it. You’re wondering who I, aren’t you? Who is the person, this McKrout that is posting here? I’m here for the same reason that Jacapo is, to entertain the masses with stories of terror and horror. See, I also work in tech support for a mjaor ISP, at least I did do tech support. Now I work for “The Man” as certain people would lead you to believe, but the hell with them. I mention that I now work for “The Man” because the call I’m going tell you about is about will make you scream irony. Or lies, irony or lies, it’s your call.

Me: Thank you for calling my ISP, my name is McKrout. What can I do for you today?
Caller: My son says the internet doesn’t work, can you help with that?
Me: Of course I can ma’am. Can you be a bit more specific though?
Caller: My son says he can’t share files anymore. Here, talk to him about it. He’ll explain it better. (I’m now thinking that Jr. here can’t download his music anymore and this will be a nice quick call where I explain that we can shut him down.)
Caller: This is Jr. and I can’t share my files anymore.
Me: Well, Sir, depending on what yo... (Cut off)
Caller: You guys are blocking the ports and not letting me share anymore, unblock them.
Me: We don’t block those ports sir and if we did, we can’t unblock them. (Try explaining our policy on file sharing again,) As I was trying to explain befo... (Cut off again.)
Caller: Let me explain this for you. Up until two days ago, I was able to download and upload anything I wanted to. Then I started to share documents on the government and how they are controlled by the shape shifting lizard people... (he drones on for a minute or two, but I don’t hear a thing. No longer is this call easy, I’m dealing with a tinfoil hatist here and he’s gone.)
Me: (Collecting my thoughts and moving my jaw back to the correct location,) You’re trying to share what?
Caller: The government had you shut me down so I couldn’t share my information on the shape shifting lizard people. You need to open up the ports again so I can continue to share. The people need to know the truth. They need to know that humans aren’t in control anymore. TURN MY INTERNET BACK ON!
Me: Well, (still confused and trying not to lose my shit on this call,) I have to admit that I don’t have the foggiest idea as to what you’re talking about. I can tell you that we didn’t shut you down. I’m looking at your connection here and it looks great. I’d suggest reinstalling the program that you’re using and see if that works, but we don’t support file sharing software and I don’t know anything about them. Was there anything else I can do for you today sir?
Caller: You haven’t helped me. You work for them, don’t you? You know they’re everywhere, right? If you don’t work for them, you should help me out to spread in the information. People need to know.
Me: (Staring blankly at my cube-mates, scared for my life. This kid is nuts. He can’t be any older than maybe 13 or 14 years old and he’s nuts. We’re screwed.)
Caller: Blah blah blah, illuminati, blah blah blah, the signs are everywhere, etc...
Me: Sir, I don’t mean to interrupt you (total lie, I want to kill this kid and save us all from this lunatic,) but there is really nothing I can do for you. Did you have any other questions today?
Caller: ...No
Me: In that case, my name is McKrout. Thank you for calling my ISP and have a good day.

     Are your eyes bleeding yet? No? Damn! So, after taking that call five years ago, it made me look at humanity a bit differently. We’re doomed, completely and totally doomed. Mind you, it’s expected that you’ll get that type of call working for an ISP, but not from someone that age. That kid probably has a job someplace or has been locked up, I hope for the sake of us all he’s locked up.